Denver – Good afternoon, everybody! I hope you have been doing well. I think I have been watching too many survivalist programs, dude. I mean, I saw this nature-lovin’ program that talked about bears and why they attacked humans, and ‘cos I live in Colorado – where the bears roam free – I got to worrying a little bit. So I watched another nature-lovin’ program that said that bears mostly attacked humans whenever the bears were “surprised” by humans. And then the same program said people should be noticably LOUD whenever they walk through quiet, serene forests because bears are easily freaked out by LOUD noises.
I took a walk through the woods this morning, and guess what I did?
I yelled, “ROLL TIDE ROLL! HaHa. Hear that bear? ROLL TIDE .. oh .. okay. Sorry officer – I was clearing my throat. Sorry ’bout that.”
Anyways .. without further ado, College Football Rankings: Week Six.
1. Florida (4-0) All last week and this week on ESPN, whenever someone mentioned Tim Tebow, the ESPN highlight reel went into overdrive, showing the innumerous ways that Tim Tebow was knocked the EFF out! And then last night, I was watching TUF and said, “Gee. I wonder who’s gonna get TIM TEBOWED tonight! HaHa!” See someone get knocked the EFF out? Just say, “He got TIM TEBOWED! HaHa! Knocked the EFF out!” Okay. I suspect I may not be popular in Florida right now.
2. Texas (4-0) Texas was also idle last week and word comes from Austin that the Longhorns religiously watched ESPN all last week and this week. Like the good student-athletes that they are, the Shorthorns studiously dissected the physics of Tim Tebow being .. TIM TEBOWED! HaHa! I’m just messin with all ya’ll. Aigh’t? Anyway, Texas hosts a sinking Colorado (1-3) team that has suddenly lost its identity. Expect Texas to TIM TEBOW Colorado: Texas 39, Colorado 13.
3. Alabama (5-0) Last weekend, the Tide CRUSHED Kentucky, 38-20. I went to a downtown coffee shop recently, and when the cashier asked my name, I wrote down on a napkin (‘cos I am deaf and it was LOUD inside the coffee shop), “Rolltideroll.” She looked at me weirdly, but about five minutes later, a lovely, blonde barrister announced, “ROLLTIDEROLL! Your hot chai is ready. ROLLTIDEROLL!” HaHa! Okay. Perhaps it didn’t really happen. Perhaps. Indeed. Indeedly perhaps. Perhaps, indeedly. Okay – I think I’ll stop that. The Tide are at #19 ‘Sissippi (3-1) this weekend. Alabama 34, Mississippi 28.
4. LSU (5-0) I watched the Tigers’ win over Georgia (20-13) last weekend and thought it was a game that Georgia gave away. Still, LSU is always a potent team and can ‘splode on anyone on any given day. Except when they play #1 Florida – the Tigers host Florida this weekend. Tim Tebow is on the minds of every LSU player and coach (and the ESPN crew, too) as they await word of Tim Tebow’s status for Saturday’s game. Perhaps Al Gore will call the LSU staff this weekend and give a pep talk: “Indeed, I know how you feel: the uneasy uncertainty that, perhaps, plagues your mind whilst you wait for Florida to make an official announcement. It sucks.” Indeed! Poor Al Gore. Perhaps, indeed. Or is it indeed, perhaps? Indeedly perhaps? Okay! I give up! LSU 19, Florida 18.
5. Boise State (5-0) Last week, the Broncos beat UC Davis, 34-16. No big surprise there. I watched the game in bits and realized that the Broncos’ blue turf made watching ‘em on TV damn near impossible for people who are color-blind like me. One minute, I was watching a replay of a play: a blue-uniformed Bronco made a catch because the closed captioning said so. And then the next minute, I’d look back up at the game playing on TV and then ask, “What the hell happened to Boise State? Like, POOF! – they are gone .. disappeared! WTF?! Oh! There they are. Geesh! Too much blue makes ‘em disappear, dude.” True biz! Boise State 44, Tulsa 28.
6. Texas Christian (4-0) Last week, TCU spanked their religious-school counterpart, Southern Methodist, 39-14. I guess God did not like Methodists last week but that ain’t neither here nor there. What you might not know is that TCU freshman, Tanner Brock, TIM TEBOWED an SMU player – without his helmet – while blocking during a punt that was returned for a touchdown. Way. To. Go. Brock. Unlike Tim Tebow, Brock just might have a potential future as a TUF finalist. TCU has one of the nation’s most powerful rushing attacks and will face off against another, powerful rushing attack at Air Force (3-2) this weekend. TCU 28, Air Force 20.
7. Cincinnati (5-0) Last weekend, the Sin-Sin Bearcats CRUSHED Miami (OH), 39-14. I confess I do not know anything about the Sin-Sin Bearcats, or even what a Bearcat is s’posed to be, but in the weird world of college mascots, it gets weirder: the Bearcats travel to south Florida to play the South Florida Bulls. Yes, you read right. Bulls. Indeed, there are no such things as bulls in south Florida – only cougars live there. And the animal kind, too. And lots of senior citizens. And alligators. And water. And hurricanes. And popular diets. And Al Gore’s chads. Expect a close game: South Florida 30, Cincinnati 29.
8. Iowa (5-0) I-owe-wha?! is still undefeated thus far into the season. College football’s version of the Pittsburgh Steelers has been on a roll lately, having CRUSHED Penn State a few weeks ago. There is a problem though: last week, Iowa escaped with a win against Arkansas State 24-21, and this weekend, they face a Michigan team that lost in overtime to Michigan State, 26-20. I-owe-wha?! seems to play poorly against no-name schools and yet, they seem to play very well against big-name schools. Not good news for the Wolverines because I-owe-wha?! is at home this weekend. Iowa 27, Michigan 24.
9. Kansas (4-0) The Bluejays were off last weekend – no big surprise there. And surprisingly, Kansas has moved up in my rankings, in large part because I figured all the undefeated teams ought to be ranked ahead of all teams with one loss. Yes, that is how college football rankings are done. Indeedy! Anyway, Kansas and its unknown quarterback hosts Iowa State (3-2) this weekend. Expect a colorful game and I guarantee this: somebody will lose. Mark my words! Kansas 30, Iowa State 20.
10. Missouri (4-0) Once again, another top ranked team was idle last weekend. Yes, there are nasty ticks that live in Missouri and that is all I have to say about that. Missouri seems to be peaking right now, so all ya’ll from Nebraska (3-1) traveling to see the game in Missouri might wanna wear tick collars, use lots of anti-tick powders and shampoos and stuffs like that. Seriously. Really. I do not jest about things like ticks. I once got a tick on my tummy after a trip to the Ozarks in Missouri, and my Daddy had to use a metal grinder to finally remove tick from my tummy. True biz! Perhaps. Missouri 33, Nebraska 24.
11. Auburn (5-0) Auburn is another undefeated team surging upwards in the rankings, and the Tigers have earned theirs, too: last week, they spanked Tennessee 26-22. This weekend, the Tigers are at Arkansas State (2-2), and since Auburn will likely CRUSH Arkansas State, expect Auburn to remain undefeated for one more week. Did you know Bo Jackson played football at Auburn? I did. And did you know that Bo Jackson once discovered a tick on his arm after a game at Missouri? Yes? No? Well .. I dunno if it happened – I asked if you knew. Indeed, perhaps it is true. Or not, perhaps. Indeed. Whatever. Auburn 55, Arkansas State 0.
12. South Florida (5-0) What did the shorter of a famous duo on the original Fantasy Island television series shout at the beginning of every episode? “Ze Bulls! Ze Bulls, Boss! Ze Bulls!” HaHa! Yes. Yes. I know that perhaps, someone will point out that dude was talkin’ about something to do with a plane. Indeed. Anyway, South Florida has played pretty good this year – including a win at Florida State – and seems poised to break out from under the shadow of Florida’s Big Three Schools (Florida, Florida State and Miami) and establish themselves as a legitimate contender for a slot in the BCS. Last weekend, Ze Bulls CRUSHED Syracuse, 34-20; this weekend, South Florida hosts #7 Cincinnati (5-0) in a showdown of undefeated teams. Expect Ze Bulls to win by one.
13. Wisconsin (5-0) Cheeseheads around Wisconsin have much reason to cheer: the Badgers are undefeated thus far into the 2009 season. Last weekend, the Badgers traveled to and edged Minnesota 31-28 in a game that gave Wisconsin a legitimate reason to be ranked. Unfortunately for the Badgers, they travel to #16 Ohio State (4-1) and this does not bode well for Wisconsin: while the Badgers have the nation’s 14th-ranked rushing attack, Ohio State has the 10th-best rushing defense in the country. Expect a low-scoring affair and say “Buh-Bye!” to Wisconsin’s ranking: OSU 7, Wisconsin 2.
14. Virginia Tech (4-1) Last weekend, the Hokies rolled past Duke, 34-26. In fact, if you double the score from last week’s game, it looks remarkably like a basketball score (68-52) – just as I predicted. True biz! Anyway, Virginia Tech hosts Boston College (4-1) in an ACC showdown that will, perhaps and, indeed, determine bragging rights for people who live on the east coast. Yes. Yes. I think I’ll stop now. Virginia Tech 34, Boston College 27.
15. USC (4-1) Last weekend, the Pretty Boys of college football took it to California, 30-3. Suddenly, California sucks, dude. But the Pretty Boys have been playing pretty inspired football lately, and this doesn’t bode well for Notre Dame (4-1) which hosts the Trojans this Saturday. The Irish defeated Washington, 37-30 (OT) last weekend, while the Pretty Boys lost to Washington a couple of weeks ago. If we are to predict the winner of USC vs Notre Dame, we must think about this logically: USC is fast, fast and fast. Notre Dame is .. umm .. Irish. Yah. Well, ain’t no Irish luck gonna help Notre Dame this weekend, so expect an exciting and close game – until after halftime. USC 38, Notre Dame 22.
16. Ohio State (4-1) Ohiostate Sucks U. defeated Indiana 33-14 last weekend, which was no major surprise. If anything, when a team plays like they have a chip on their shoulder like OSU has been lately, well .. it sucks to be you, Wisconsin. For real, dude. Expect OSU to take it to the Cheeseheads as the Buckeyes seek to knock off every undefeated team they face this year – that is their only real chance at postseason redemption in a bowl game against USC. OSU 35, Wisconsin 17.
17. Penn State (4-1) PapaJoe and his Nittany Lions are playing better after losing to I-owe-wha?! a couple weeks ago. Last weekend, the Nittany Lions CRUSHED Illinois, 35-17 and people in Happy Valley are that again – happy. Do you know the difference between PapaJoe and Florida State head coach Bobby Bowden, whom have been locked in a virtually even race for career head-coaching wins? One is a puppet and the other is not. I’ll let you figure that one out. PapaJoe and his squad host Eastern Illinois (4-1) this weekend: Penn State 48, E.I.U. 13.
18. Mississippi (3-1) ‘Sissippi routed Vanderbilt last weekend, 23-7. So far this year, the Rebels have routed lesser-known schools while having lost at South Carolina, 16-10 – a decent program. So, why ain’t South Carolina ranked instead of ‘Sissippi? The reason: peer pressure. Indeed. That is how college football rankings are done – to rank the New Mexico Lobos ahead of Florida would cause the state of Florida to not like me even more. So, to avoid Florida from TIM TEBOWING me, I had to comply with peer pressure to rank Florida ahead of New Mexico, even though New Mexico is my favorite team. And even if the Lobos suck, dude. Anyway, perhaps we’ll find out how good or bad ‘Sissippi really is this weekend as they host #3 Alabama. Alabama 34, Mississippi 28.
19. Miami (3-1) Last week, the Hurricanes edged a Sam Bradford-less Oklahoma team, 21-20. It was a pretty good game. I was really impressed with Oklahoma freshman quarterback, Landry Jones – he is from Artesia, New Mexico – and the way he played in replacement of Bradford. Landry Jones is from my home state – New Mexico. Who cares? Well, I do. And that’s all I have to say about that. Miami has survived a brutal schedule, having played ranked teams for four consectutive weeks. This weekend, the Hurricanes get a repreive as they host Florida A&M (3-1). Miami 35, Florida-in-The-Morning 6. (Dear Fans of the state of Florida: I jest. Seriously. Indeedly.)
20. BYU (4-1) Last Saturday, BYU beat Utah State 35-17 in a game that was played on another channel that I did watch. BYU head coach, Bronco Mendenhall – who once coached at New Mexico – will keep his troops grounded in reality and avoid the boundless temptations in Las Vega$ as his Cougars are at UNLV (2-3) this weekend. At some point in time, BYU has to turn on its rout-making machines like the thousands of snow-making machines that exist all around Utah: if the Cougars want a shot at a big-time bowl game, then they gotta start CRUSHING teams again. Perhaps this weekend, BYU will do just that. BYU 48, UNLV 22.
21. Oregon (4-1) Last week, Oregon CRUSHED Washington State, 52-6. This weekend: at UCLA (3-1). Oregon 38, UCLA 37.
22. Georgia Tech (4-1) Defeated Mississippi State last weekend, 42-31. At Florida State (2-3) this weekend. Expect Georgia Tech to add its own farewell to FSU head coach, Bobby Bowden, and his final season. The words, “Wide Right!” will once again become synonymous with FSU football. Mark my words! Georgia Tech 24, FSU 21.
23. Nebraska (3-1) Last week, pasted Louisiana-Lafayette, 55-0. Up next: at #10 Missouri.
24. Oklahoma State (3-1) Idle last week. Cowboy’s receiver, Dez White fumbled with the truth to the NCAA about his relationship with a former NFL player. Dez White no longer plays football at Oklahoma State. Oklahoma State’s season will now begin fumbling towards disaster. Up next: at #23 Texas A&M (3-1). Texas A&M 33, Oklahoma State 13.
25. Texas A&M (3-1) Last week, pounded Arkansas, 47-19. This weekend, host #24 Oklahoma State.
Paotie’s Upset Special: #1 Florida vs #4 LSU – I will pick ahead of time and predict that Tim Tebow will NOT play. Tim Tebow will not play this weekend because Tim Tebow suffered a serious brain injury the last time Tim Tebow played. If you are Florida head coach, Urban Meyer, what do you do? Save Tim Tebow and rest him this weekend to save the season? Or more precisely, do you want Tim Tebow to take a chance at being knocked out again, thus ensuring your magical season may not end so .. well .. magically?
Great confounding conundrums! Ahh .. well, I dunno. Your guess is as good as mine: LSU 19, Florida 18.
Be good .. or be good at it.