College Football Rankings: Week Seven
1. Florida (5-0) Last week, Tim Tebow TIM TEBOWED then-#4 Louisiana State, 13-3. You read right: Tim Tebow TIM TEBOWED the Tigers. It was a pretty good game, too. Unnamed and fictional sources tell me that Florida head coach, Urban Meyer, sang Ronnie Milsap’s song, “What a Difference You’ve Made” to Tim Tebow all week last week – the song includes stuff like, You’re my sunshine daa-aa-y and nii-ii-ght/Oh what a difference you’ve maaa-aade, yeeaa-aah! Mmm .. ‘kay. Florida hosts a high-scoring Arkansas team (3-2) this weekend and expect a shoot-out. What a difference you’ve maa-aade in my life, yeah-heah-heah-heah! Yah. Whatever, dude. Florida 55, Arkansas 34.
2. Alabama (6-0) ROLL TIDE ROLL!! ‘Bama CRUSHED ‘Sissippi last week, 22-3. Recently, I went to the local library to do some research and needed to use one of the computers there. I had to fill out a form and gave my name, turned it in, and after waiting about 15 minutes, the librarian came back, “Mr. Rolltideroll, your computer is ready now. Please go on upstairs.” ROLL TIDE ROLL! HaHa! The Tide host #22 South Carolina (5-1) and expect Alabama to continue rollin’ and rollin’ and rollin’ on the river to the BCS National Championship game. Alabama 44, South Carolina 12.
3. Texas (5-0) Last week, the Longhorns routed Colorado, 38-14. Texas’ uniforms are burnt orange, which is a fascinating color for color-blind people like me: it looks like shiny rust. I saw a family of tourists last week, wearing burnt orange shirts and hats and other sheeeeet like that, and a few of ‘em even had stuffs printed on ‘em like, Burnt Orange Nation. Weird. Burnt orange. I dunno how someone pegged that color, neither. Anyway, Texas faces a surging #21 Oklahoma (3-2) team that is out for revenge after having suffered losses earlier this year. Not a good time to be a Sooner, though, because burnt orange seems to be the latest fashion fad. Burnt orange. Okay. I’ll stop now. Texas 33, Oklahoma 31 (3 OTs)
4. Boise State (6-0) As I predicted last week, Boise State struggled against Tulsa (4-2) last night during a 28-21 win. I recently had tea with an English friend of mine, and she inquired about the word, “Boise,” assuming it was a French word. I informed her she was incorrect: Boise was created by the heavy metal rock band, Quiet Riot. True biz! C’mon, feel the noise/girls rock your boise/we’re gonna get wild, wild, wild .. Indeedly! Since the boys of Boise State played football during a school night, they are idle this weekend. Quiet Riot 14, Boise State 13.
5. Texas Christian (5-0) Last week, TCU escaped Air Force in a 20-17 win in Colorado. It was a hard-fought victory for TCU. They pushed and pulled and gritted their way to a win. They conquered a tremendous foe! They vanquished the enemy’s hope! YES! WE ARE TCU! WE SHALL PREVAIL! Okay, somehow, that seems anti-Christian. Whatever, dude – it’s just a football game. Yah. Well, try telling that to New Mexico Lobo head coach – Something Named – ‘cos the Lobos suck, dude. TCU hosts Colorado State (3-3) this weekend. TCU 28, CSU 14.
6. Cincinnati (5-0) Last week, the Bearcats were idle. This week, they travel to #9 South Florida (5-0) in a showdown of undefeated teams. Last week, if you thought the game was last week – do not blame me: South Florida hosts Cincinnati this week. Indeed! Well, ain’t nuthin’ new to add here since I already said it last week. Can you believe some NFL dude who lives in Cincinnati would change his last name to numero ochocinco? True biz! I mean, ochocinco? Could be worse – you could be wearing burnt orange. True biz! South Florida 30, Cincinnati 29.
7. Iowa (6-0) Once again, I-owe-wha?! edged out a big-time school for a win. Last Saturday, the Pittsburgh Steelers of college football slipped past Michigan, 30-28. It was a pretty good game – at least from what I read. Does Iowa deserve to be ranked this high this far into the season? Only time will tell. The Wisconsin Badgers (5-1) are smarting from their first loss of the year to #12 Ohio State and will have revenge on their minds. Unfortunately for I-Owe-What?! playing well in big games requires a bit of luck, and this weekend, the luck dries out: Wisconsin, 30, Iowa 21.
8. Kansas (5-0) Kansas’ quarterback – an unknown quarterback to me – has been playing surprisingly well this year. The quarterback’s play is always a surprise to me ‘cos I dunno nuthin’ about him, aigh’t? So, if he passes for 10 touchdowns – it is news to me. If he passes for 400 yards – it is news to me. If you know his name, that is news to me. I just know there is a quarterback at Kansas and that he is playing well enough for his team to be undefeated after running past Iowa State, 41-36 last weekend. Fortunately for Kansas and its unheralded quarterback, they travel to Colorado (1-4) this weekend. Kansas 34, Colorado 9.
9. South Florida (5-0) Last weekend, Ze Bulls were idle. With Florida State’s sudden troubles and controversies overshadowing that school, South Florida is poised to make a statement that they belong with Florida’s elite of college football. Expect Ze Bulls to upstage Cincinnati (5-0) this weekend: South Florida 30, Cincinnati 29.
10. Virginia Tech (5-1) Last weekend, Virginia Tech CRUSHED Boston College, 48-14. CRUSHED! Frank Beamer’s squad is looking more and more like the powerhouse teams of the past, beating difficult opponets while CRUSHING Boston College. CRUSHED! Indeed. The Hokies are at #16 Georgia Tech this weekend, and the two teams share a common opponent: #13 Miami (Fla.) The Hokies CRUSHED Miami earlier this year, 31-7; likewise, Georgia Tech was CRUSHED by Miami, 33-17. Common sense dictates that Virginia Tech will CRUSH Georgia Tech this weekend. CRUSH! Indeed. Virginia Tech 49, Georgia Tech 15.
11. USC (4-1) Last week, the Pretty Boys of college football were idle. Last week, some of all ya’ll thought USC played #24 Notre Dame (4-1) last week: the game is this week. Accursed bye-weeks in college football! Anyway, I was watching some .. thing on ESPN about how the Irish were feelin’ different this year after suffering through horrendous blowouts at the hands of USC the last two times the teams played, and I agreed: this year, Notre Dame has adopted Ronnie Mislap as this year’s “Rudy.” What a difference you’ve ma-ade in my life, woh-oh-oh-oh. Yah. I dunno ’bout some of these lyric web sites, dude. USC 38, Notre Dame 22.
12. Ohio State (5-1) The Buckeyes ruthlessly CRUSHED Wisconsin, 31-13 last week. Okay, I dunno about “ruthless,” but it was a pretty dramatic drubbing. Okay, I dunno about “dramatic”, neither. All that matters is that Ohiostate Sucks U. CRUSHED Wisconsin and booted ‘em right on outta the rankings. OSU seems primed to begin peaking towards the later stages of the season, which bodes well for ‘em: they face a sagging Purdue (1-5) team that still doesn’t suck as bad as my Lobos. For Ohiostate Sucks U. fans, this weekend will be a fun one: Ohio State 55, Purdue 3.
13. Miami (4-1) Last week, the Hurricanes routed Florida-in-the-Morning, 48-16. Ain’t no surprises there. The middle part of Miami’s schedule is filled with unknown teams, such as Florida A&M and their upcoming opponent this weekend – Central Florida (3-2). But down in Florida, everybody knows everybody ‘cos everybody is somebody’s buddy who knows another somebody who knows another buddy who knows Jim down in Tampa who knows Tim in Miami who knows about Ronnie Milsap. True Biz! Miami 28, UCF 13.
14. BYU (5-1) Last week, I mentioned that BYU needed to start putting games away by scoring tons of points like the thousands of snow-making machines that fluff up ski areas in Utah, and indeed, BYU did just that – the Cougars routed UNLV 59-21. BYU has been scoring at a 35 points-per-game clip, which is the very thing former University of New Mexico head coach, Rocky Long, had trouble finding. The point here is that BYU has a great defense and offense – unlike what Rocky Long had at UNM – and the Cougars are clicking on all cylinders as they resume their Mountain West Conference play. Up next: San Diego State (3-2). BYU 35, SDSU 14.
15. Oregon (5-1) The Ducks traveled to UCLA last weekend and came away with a 24-10 win. They are idle this weekend but face a strong Washington (3-3) team next week that beat #11 USC at home and gave Notre Dame fits before losing in Indiana. Washington is much more dangerous than their record indicates, and since they are at home, expect a good game. Not much else to say until then since the Ducks are off this week, so without further ado: Ronnie Milsap 1, Oregon 0.
16. Georgia Tech (5-1) The Yellowjackets pounded Florida State and its beleaguered head coach, Bobby Bowden, 49-44 last week. It was a terrific game, and if you prefer high-scoring games, last week’s game was a feast for the eyes. Georgia Tech can and does score in bunches but the question is whether they’ll score enough points against #8 Virginia Tech (5-1) to win. Probably not. Mark my words! If it seems like I am in a hurry – I am! I have to catch the bus to downtown in ’bout twelve minutes. True biz! Virginia Tech 49, Georgia Tech 15.
17. Nebraska (4-1) Last week, the Cornhuskers CROPPED Missouri, 27-12. CROPPED! Okay. Maybe that ain’t the right word, but I’m tryin’ – CRUSHED is getting kinda old and TIM TEBOW doesn’t seem to be catching on. CROPPED. Mmm .. ‘kay. Anyway, Nebraska hosts the always-potent Texas Tech (4-2) offense, which leads the nation in total offense; Nebraska’s defense is ranked 14th nationally for total defense, so expect an exciting game with lots of turnovers, penalties and college students being TIM TEBOWED at local bars and pubs after drinking too much alcohol. Yes. Yes. Indeed. Nebraska 38, Texas Tech 35 (4 OTS)
18. Oklahoma State (4-1) The Creamsicle Cowboys melted Texas A&M 36-31 last weekend without star receiver, Dez Bryant, who was forced to sit out the game after reports surfaced that he had lied to the NCAA about contact with an NFL player. Still, there appears to be hope in Stillwater: Bryant may return this season, so perhaps the Cowboys’ season ain’t fumblin’ away as I had predicted last week. At least, Oklahoma State is home this weekend, hosting Missouri (4-1), which may be shell-shocked following the Tigers’ loss at home against #17 Nebraska. Oklahoma State 44, Missouri 20.
19. Utah (4-1) The Runnin’ Utes traveled to Colorado State last weekend and edged out the Rams, 24-17. This weekend, the Utes will try to match or surpass BYU’s 59-21 win at UNLV last weekend. For UNLV, now is not the time to be a Rebel. True Biz! Expect the Utes to drop 60 points at UNLV (2-4). Mark my words! Utah 60, UNLV 20. (I got seven minutes left and see the bus a-comin’ .. )
20. Penn State (5-1) Last week, PapaJoe’s Nittany Lions OBLITERATED Eastern Illinois, 52-3. OBLITERATED! Indeed – I like that word better than CROPPED and even, perhaps, CRUSHED! We’ll see .. The Nittany Lions host Minnesota (4-2) in a game that has huge implications for their conference. I forgot which conference that is, but that ain’t neither here nor there: whenever a game is at Happy Valley, PapaJoe and his Nittany Lions usually win. Expect Penn State to OBLITERATE Minnesota, 27-20.
21. Oklahoma (3-2) Last week: defeated Baylor, 33-7. Up next: vs #3 Texas (5-0)
22. South Carolina (5-1) Edged Kentucky, 28-26 last week. Up next: at #2 Alabama (6-0)
23. Houston (4-1) Upended Mississippi State, 31-24. Up next: at Tulane (2-3)
24. Notre Dame (4-1) Idle last week. Up next: host #11 USC (4-1)
25. LSU (5-1) Last week, lost to #1 Florida, 13-3. Up next: idle.
Paotie’s Upset Special: Paotie 1, Municipal Transit Bus 0.
Be good .. or be good at it.