College Football Rankings: Week Five
1. Florida (4-0) Last week, Florida quarterback, Tim Tebow, took a wicked shot to the head during the third quarter of a blowout win over Kentucky and suffered a brutal concussion – in fact, he got knocked the EFF out! So horrible was the knockout that ESPN highlighted the play 482 times in one hour. Anyway, Tim Tebow has no future in the UFC – this much we know. Fortunately for Florida, they are idle this week, so Tim Tebow can clear his cobwebs and ESPN can resume showing Tim Tebow’s concussion 482 times every hour next week. True biz!
2. Texas (4-0) Texas romped over UTEP last week, 64-7. UTEP sucks. In fact, UTEP mustered a grand total of 54 yards of total offense – an attribute of Texas’ suddenly powerful defense and a sign that UTEP might wanna start recruiting illegal immigrants to play offense. The ShortHorns of Texas are also idle this week, and expect Texas players to watch ESPN religiously all week next week. Mark my words!
3. Alabama (4-0) ROLL TIDE ROLL! The latest reincarnation of my favorite chant surfaced during confession at a Catholic church last Saturday night – I couldn’t resist yelling, “ROLL TIDE ROLL!” when I was sitting in the confessional booth. After ambushing Arkansas 35-7 last week, the Tide are at Kentucky – the same team that knocked the EFF outta Tim Tebow last weekend. Expect Alabama to knock the crap outta Kentucky this weekend, 48-2.
4. LSU (4-0) The Tigers squeaked by ‘Sissippi State last weekend, 30-26, and they were lucky to win that game. Very, very lucky. The Tigers travel to #19 Georgia this weekend and expect a nasty shoot-out in which players and fans alike will be knocked the EFF out! Mark my words! UPSET SPECIAL: Georgia 28, LSU 27.
5. Boise State (4-0) The boys from Boise State made lots of noise last weekend in trouncing Bowling Green, 49-14. The meteoric rise of the Broncos through college football rankings illustrates the fact that not all big-time schools play big-time football: small-time schools can and do wreak havoc with people’s college football rankings. This, I know. The Broncos host UC-Davis this weekend, which should be interesting since Boise State head coach, Chris Peterson, was the starting quarterback for UC-Davis when the two schools played back in 1985, a game Boise State won 13-9. Expect Boise State to romp this weekend, 130-9.
6. Cincinnati (4-0) The Sinning Cats of Cincinnati defeated Fresno State 28-20 last weekend. Typically, when people think of Cincinnati, they think a scandulous professional football player whose last name is “Ochocinco.” Yes, that is in Spanish. And also, whenever people think of Cincinnati, they think of Pete Rose and college basketball scandals. Evidently, this is a good football team, so expect them to CRUSH Miami this weekend. Miami of Ohio. What? You thought I was talkin’ about some school from Florida? Nah. Cincinnati 45, Miami (OH) 12.
7. Houston (3-0) Houston, we have a problem. HaH! I just felt like sayin’ that. Sometimes, and for no apparent reason, I like to yell, “Houston, we have a problem! ROLL TIDE ROLL!” in public bathrooms. Houston defeated Texas Tech, 29-28, last weekend. By all indications, Houston has a pretty good team this year, having beaten some good competition, such as #11 Oklahoma State a couple of weeks ago. The Cougars face a beaten-up UTEP squad that ought to hire illegal immigrants to play offense. Houston 55, UTEP 3.
8. TCU (3-0) The Horned Frogs are a Christian school. They also played stout defense in a 14-10 win at Clemson last weekend. And this weekend, God will be watching the Horned Frogs because TCU plays Southern Methodist – another religious school in Texas. Where do you think Texas came up with the slogan, “Don’t Mess Wit’ Texas?” That’s right – in Santa Fe. Unfortunately for you Methodists, SMU has no chance (or is it a prayer?) this weekend. TCU 66, SMU 6.
9. Kansas (4-0) The Jayhawks edged Southern ‘Sissippi last weekend, 35-28. The Jayhawks have a pretty good quarterback though I do not know his name. I just know that without their quarterback, they would .. suck. Well, maybe not. In any case, Kansas puts their undefeated streak on the line this weekend as they are idle. Yes, you read that correctly. Only in college football can teams move up or down during bye weeks. Expect Kansas to tumble to #20 next week.
10. Missouri (4-0) My Daddy once took me to Missouri to visit the Ozarks when I was a boy, and unfortunately for me, I discovered that ticks, indeed, do enjoy human blood. In fact, on the train ride home from Missouri, a line of would-be professional tick removers took their turns in trying to rid me of the tick: some people tried to burn the damn thing off my stomach with a cigar, a cigarette and a rolled joint. Somebody spit some tobacco juice on my tummy and stained my clothes. A woman suggested “pliers” and “pulling with all that God gave us strength to do.” Somebody prayed. I cried. I still have the scar, though, which looks pretty good. Missouri is idle this week (see a continuing trend?). I’ll never go back to Missouri, again.
11. Oklahoma (2-1) Since losing to #19 BYU in the season opener, the Sooners have been playing inspired football. Quarterback Sam Bradford, who was injured in that loss, may return this weekend, which doesn’t bode well for Miami. Of Florida, of course. The Sooners travel to #24 Miami this weekend in an all-world shootout that should feature lots of fireworks and trash talkin’. If Bradford returns, expect the Hurricane defense to imitate BYU’s strategic plan: knock the quarterback the EFF out! Oh, wait – that was Kentucky. Nevermind. Oklahoma 33, Miami (Fla.) 21.
12. USC (3-1) Already, this has been a difficult year for the Pretty Boys of college football. First, they lost their starting quarterback, then they lost to PAC-10 rival, Washington, the following week. Then earlier this week, tailback Staphon Johnson suffered a throat injury during a weight-lifting workout and underwent emergency surgery. He is fine. He twittered that he was fine. Thank the Lawd for twitter. Thank the Lawd for Texas Tech head coach, Mike Leach. More on that later. This weekend, USC is at #24 California, which was CRUSHED by Oregon, 42-3, last weekend. USC 18, California 15.
13. OSU (3-1) Ohiostate Sucks U. has played terrific defense since losing to #12 USC a few weeks ago, shutting out the last two opponents who dared to score against the Buckeyes’. Did you know that a buckeye is either an eyeball of a deer or a tree or bush? No, I did not know that, neither. Weird. College football has some weird mascots, dude. In any case, the Buckeyes travel to Indiana this weekend in a showdown of .. weirdly named teams. Ohiostate Sucks U. 32, Indiana Hoosiers 19.
14. Virginia Tech (3-1) Last weekend, the Hokies (another weirdly named team) pounded #24 Miami (Fla), 31-7. That was a terrific game. I did not even watch it – and I didn’t have to, neither. A “Hokie” is a cartoonish bird, I am told, but you do not have to take Levar Burton’s word for it. The Hokies’ travel to Duke this weekend and expect a basketball-like score: Virginia Tech 88, Duke 66.
15. Iowa (4-0) Earlier this week, I receive an email from a long-time reader of the Green Couch and the email agreed with me that Iowa, indeed, looks like the Pittsburgh Steelers. True biz! Iowa has been playing pretty well, having spanked #16 Penn State last weekend, 21-10. Will Iowa win the Super Bowl of college football? Probably not. Iowa hosts Arkansas State this weekend. Iowa 39, Arkansas State 14.
16. Penn State (3-1) Head coach, PapaJoe, and his Nittany Lions were trounced at home last weekend by the Pittsburgh Steelers of college football – #15 Iowa. In fact, the game went so badly for PapaJoe that his team folded in the 4th quarter, much to the delight of NFL fans everywhere. Too bad that can’t happen more often to the Pittsburgh Steelers. Anyway, the Nittany Lions face Illinois this weekend. PSU 24, Illinois 12.
17. Oklahoma State (2-1) Amid all the pre-season hype, the Creamsicle Cowboys were expected to compete for the national championship until they lost at home to #7 Houston a few weeks ago. Since then, the Cowboys have been playing up to their potential, spanking the helloutta teams nobody knows about. Does this prove the Cowboys are national championship contenders? Well, if an 88-year-old woman could be a running back for Oklahoma State, then the Cowboys just might have a chance. Cowboys are idle this weekend.
18. Oregon (3-1) The Ducks CRUSHED #23 California, 42-3, last weekend. Oregon seems poised for a run at their regular season schedule and might finish the year with one loss. Whether that translates into a BCS national title game remains to be seen, but the last time the Ducks were this highly ranked, they had a quarterback named Joey Harrington, and look what happened to him when he went to the NFL: he sucked. But this ain’t neither here nor there, and this is a new year, so expect Oregon to climb the rankings as the season winds down. Oregon is at Washington State this weekend. Oregon 44, WSU 0.
19. Georgia (3-1) After edging Arizona State 20-17 last weekend, the Bulldawgs could be accused of having looked ahead to this weekend’s game against #4 LSU. Maybe they did. Maybe not. In any case, this weekend is the weekend Bulldawg fans everywhere have had circled on their calendars. Too bad I ain’t down in Georgia ‘cos Georgia has been on my mind since the college football schedule came out. Georgia is a hot, blonde chick from the South that I used to date when I was in college. Whatever happened to her? I dunno – she probably married a hot, blonde lesbian. Georgia 18, LSU 17.
20. BYU (3-1) The Mormons of Utah spanked Colorado State 42-23 last weekend, much to my delight. I always like when the Mormons win big games because I always wanna see if they break out the tequila and get piss-drunk. I know for a fact from experience that a hot, blonde lesbian named Georgia – who was also a Mormon – liked to drink tequila until she vomited. It was pretty funny, too. Ahh .. them old college days. BYU hosts in-state rival, Utah State this weekend. BYU 44, Utah State 9.
21. Texas A&M (3-0) Last week: defeated University of Alabama-Birmingham, 56-19. Up next: vs. Arkansas.
22. Texas Tech (2-2) Earlier this week, Red Raiders’ head coach, Mike Leach, denounced twitter as a viable medium for his players to use. I agree. I think he said it best, “If they want to be narcissistics, then we’ll install mirrors in the locker room. But they don’t need twitter.” Yes, indeed. Leach summarizes much of the Interent: narcissistically-driven. (Of course, I am not narcissistic at all! I am .. merely your humble servant.) (True biz!) Red Raiders host an imploding and winless University of New Mexico team this weekend.
23. California (3-1) Losers at #18 Oregon last week, 42-3. Up next: vs #12 USC.
24. Miami (Fla.) (2-1) Lost to # 14 Virginia Tech, 31-7 last week. Up next: vs #10 Oklahoma.
25. Mississippi (2-1) Lost at South Carolina, 16-10 last week. Up next: at Vanderbilt.
Paotie’s PostScript: Normally, I reserve this space to give you the week’s Upset Special, but since so many top-ranked teams are idle this weekend, and because of the fact that my beloved University of New Mexico Lobos are winless and embroiled in a nasty scandal, I thought to discuss something: the Lobos suck, dude. Somebody ought to fire the coach, especially if he punched one of his assistants. That ain’t cool ‘cos all the bad press is just giving New Mexico a black eye. And pleeeeeease, somebody bring back former head coach, Rocky Long.
Geesh.
Be good .. or be good at it.
Paotie
Sphere: Related Content
Geez Louize, it seems like injury season for quarterbacks.
Ya went to a Catholic confessional, yeah right
.
But true, the internet is narcissistically-driven, lol.
Catholic Mass is fun!
The scoring system for those confessions are interesting, too:
Be a Democrat these days = 10 Hail Marys
Be a Republican these days = 10 Our Fathers
Be an atheist like me = 200 Rosaries
Something like that, I s’pose.
Lol, I’m not a Roman Catholic, but I thot the rosary was based primarily on the Hail Mary’s. Somebody correct me if I’m wrong.
I’m sure that a Catholic nun would do 200 rosaries for ya if she knew you’re an atheist. The Catholics are not as big on “Our Father”, or the Lord’s Prayer, as it is better known, as they are about the Virgin Mary, Holy Mother of God, the intervention entity.
And intervention is what football is all about. Hail Mary for an interception, ummm?
Somethin’ like that, I s’pose.
Ann ..
Well, as a kid, I’d go to Mass but never understood a word. I mean, the books and Bibles were always tucked into the rear of the wooden pews, and I’d never know where we were in terms of reciting whatever the priests would umm .. recite.
And it took me more than a few trips to the altar for communion to realize that the ONLY thing I needed to say after a priest blessed me was, “Amen.”
Evidently, asking, “What?” after the priest had blessed me – and in front of a long line of people waiting their turn for the holy wafer and cheap grape juice – is a no-no.
Geesh!
LOL!
Catholic Confessionals and Masses are a memory lane for me….
Ann, the Rosaries consists of both, the Hail Marys and Our Fathers..I think the little beads are the Hail Marys.
My mom always tell us not to look back in church lest we turn into salt like Lots’ wife.
Funny memories.
Our Father who art in Heaven…..
Gotta busy rooting for Rio! Go get Rosary! Pray for Rio……Go, go, go Rio!
I had to pretend that I was a Catholic girl when I get a communion. Okay, Donkey…….
Hummm, The first Communion were lucky ones that they sipped the wine. It was very early age……uh-huh. You got that right.
Confirmation……free from guilty. Be good girl or be good boy.
You’re right, Gina, the rosary combines both, forgotten that. I’d gone to a parochial grade school for a couple of years (and don’t ask me how a non-Catholic girl like me got into one, that’s a long story, let’s just say we lived across the street from a convent, lol), and I recall going to a couple of masses just for the hell of it. Lotsa incense, which triggered sneezing, and the service was in Church Latin, of which, as a kid, I didn’t understand a word much less hear it well.
Geez, Church Latin– forgotten that the Catholic churches no longer use it in their services.
I do remember getting that momma stare if I fidgeted or started a pew fight with my sister during the Sunday sermon, which was delivered by a real fire-and-brimstone reverend whose voice boomed to the rafters. It was a wonder nobody dared to bring earplugs. Me, I could always shut off the aid, and no one was the wiser. ;P
Our Father, I was really bad.
This is what you get, Paotie, when you write about confessional?! And this supposed to be a discussion of college football ratings…
Christ the Redeemer sculpture towers is very happy to know that the Rio is hosting the 2016 Olympics.
Thanks to you for confessing the Rosary….
WG,
Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janiero and the ‘16 Olympics, you crack me up, LOL.
Well, I was down in Chicago and my brother and his friends are all like, “Chicago got eliminated the first round!!!!” and now, every one is chanting 2020, and my brother is like WTF?! It’s THE big thing down there…BIG!
Well, that says a lot about what other countries think of America and then some thought Obama was good for our country. Come again?
Well, Gina!
I am gettin’ tired of USA for hosting 8 times…..Really boring! I know, I know I gotta respect America whereas we have been living in the free country.
We want to something different, right? Well, we would want one.
Sorry, Eagle.
Tough Luck…..