Denver – Good afternoon, everybody! I hope you have been doing well. I watched President Obama’s speech last night, and I realized that the Republican Party’s new fight song is now titled, “You LIE!” And! Plus! The fact petty politics took over last night in the esteemed, hallowed halls of Congress inspired me so much that when the barrister at Starbucks told me how much I owed for my iced chai this morning, I replied, “You LIE! HaHa! Sorry – I’m just pretending to be a Republican.”

GOOD TIMES! GREAT VIBRATIONS!

Anyway .. time for the second installment of this year’s 2009 College Football Rankings. Last week, we saw plenty of upsets, such as BYU’s win over Oklahoma, that proves the adage that, on any given Saturday, anyone can win. True biz! With Oklahoma bowing out of the undefeated ranks, expect the usual suspects – Texas, Alabama, USC, Penn State – to pick up their play as teams begin to fight for the number two spot in the country. Florida played very well last week and showed little signs of slowing down.

Without further ado ..

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1. Florida (1-0) Last week, the Gators CRUSHED Southern Charleston, 62-3. Southern Charleston never had a prayer to beat Florida. Or is it chance? Prayer or chance, which is the right word? These are matters that mingle in my mind. Anyway, did you know that Southern Charleston is also a Christian school? I did not know that, but I do have to say that it would ‘splain the lopsided score: Southern Charleston played like Christians – full of hope and a prayer. Or is it chance? I forget. Up next for Florida: at home against Troy.

2. BYU (1-0) Mountain West Conference member, BYU, CRUSHED Oklahoma last week, 14-13. CRUSHED! Just ask Oklahoma quarterback, Sam Bradford, who had his throwing shoulder CRUSHED after a sack, which CRUSHED the Sooners’ hopes for a national championship season. CRUSHED! And now, everyone thinks the Mountain West Conference is loaded with top-notch teams. This means that New Mexico, which lost to Texas A&M last week, should be ranked in the Top Ten. Stay tuned for more on that ..

3. Texas (1-0) Longhorn fans are already chompin’ at the bit after Oklahoma was CRUSHED by the Mormons last week. Yes. Yes. Right about now, most of you Longhorn fans are probably demanding to know why BYU is ranked ahead of Texas this week. Well, let me put it this way .. BYU has better uniforms. That and the fact that BYU head coach, Bronc Mendenhall was once the defensive coordinator at New Mexico. Yes. Yes. Call me biased. Up next for Texas: at home against Weber State.

4. USC (1-0) The Pretty Boys of college football romped and galloped over San Jose State last weekend. True freshman quarterback, Matt Barkely, wowed fans and critics alike: he constantly handed off the football to his stable of world-class running backs.  With that kind of talent, Barkley is a front-runner for this year’s Heisman Trophy award. USC is at OhioState Sucks U. this weekend and that should be an exciting game. Expect Barkley to guide the Pretty Boys to a pretty win, 48-3.

5. OSU (1-0) Ohiostate Sucks U. barely beat Navy last week. Ohiostate Sucks U. seemed to play well in bunches and then not-so-well in bunches, too. I cannot fathom the Buckeyes having a prayer against USC this weekend, especially given the way Navy was able to hang tough with big plays that shredded the Buckeyes’ defense. USC is fast, fast, fast and pretty, and this means that Ohiostate Sucks U. has no chance against the Pretty Boys. Or is it a prayer? Whatever.

6. Alabama (1-0) ROLL TIDE ROLL! The Tide beat a talented Virginia Tech team last week. Unfortunately, I recently discovered that nobody in America ever yells, “ROLL TIDE ROLL!”, and that I’d gotten it all wrong: I thought “ROLL TIDE ROLL!” was ‘Bama’s fight song. It is not. It is a line from the song, “Sweet Southern Comfort,” sang by Buddy Jewell. I had no idea. These are things that deaf people like me never know about: college anthems based on hard liquor. Still, I refuse to let that dampen my ‘Bama spirit – I will now yell, “ROLL TIDE ROLL!” in public libraries.

7.  Oklahoma State (1-0) After a slow start last Saturday, the Creamsicle Cowboys bullied their way past Georgia, 24-10. Last week, OSU was ranked .. in my Top Five, but that is irrelevant this week. College rankings are about scientific, religious hunches, and last week’s game provided me with divine intervention: the Creamsicle Cowboy’s are to be ranked in God’s favorite betting slot. Yes. Yes. God is a gambler. A hard-core gambler. The Bible tells you so. Anyway, up next for Oklahoma State: at home against Houston.

8. Penn State (1-0) Head coach, PapaJoe’s Nittany Lions pounded Akron, 31-7 at home. I am not even sure how to pronounce, “Akron,” but I suspect it is something like, “Ack! RUN!” ‘cos that is kinda what happened to Akron’s offense and defense. Before everyone starts proclaiming Penn State to be an elite team again, we must remember that playing money games against schools with weird names is not es’ ‘sactly playing elite football. But then again, Oklahoma lost to Beewhyu, so I dunno. I dunno how I come up with these weird things, neither. Penn State hosts Syracuse this weekend.

9. Mississippi (1-0) ‘Sissippi is among college football’s best this year. They routed a decent Memphis team last weekend, 45-14, that turned many college football pundits’ heads. At this time last year, ‘Sissippi was probably ranked, but what makes them special this year is the fact that umm .. well, I dunno – I just bum the rankings from ESPN. I confess I dunno nuthin’ ’bout ‘Sissippi, other than the fact the team has been overtaken by the flu this week. Still, ‘Sissippi should win against Southeastern Louisiana this weekend. These are facts we know.

10. Utah (1-0) Last Thursday, Utah beat in-state rival, Utah State, by a pretty lopsided score. It was a pretty lopsided game, I can tell you that, too. And it seems like the general public is finally realizing that Utah went undefeated last year, which is pretty lopsided when you think about it. Since BYU CRUSHED Oklahoma, all eyes across the college football landscape have zeroed in on Utah as they face San Jose State this weekend. Should Utah lose or squeak by the Trojans, then next week, the entire country will once again forget that Utah went undefeated last week. Mark my words!

11. TCU (0-0) No. No parenthesitical topless joke here – that is TCU’s season: no wins, no losses. Still, most pundits ranked the Horned Toads – a member of the Mountain West Conference – higher this week than last week, probably based on account of BYU and Utah – two other Mountain West Conference teams – winning, which is proof that college football rankings are also based on conference associations, which means TCU is a much, much more dangerous team this week than last week. Aigh’t? Up next: at Virginia.

12. Louisiana State (1-0) The Tigers squeaked by Washington last weekend, which suggests that there are problems in Baton Rouge. What those problems may be, I do not know, but what I do know is that LSU is expected to win every game by at least twenty-five touchdowns, and if the win at Washington is any indication, it means that LSU kinda sucks. Early season schedule is loaded with money games, so nobody will know nuthin’ about the Tigers until they play real competition, and that ain’t happening ’til a game at Georgia, October 3rd. Until then, LSU fans can expect the Tigers to arrive in Georgia problematically undefeated. Weird.

13. California (1-0) The Golden Bears CRUSHED Maryland last week, 103-13. Seriously. Do not believe the final score – the game was far more lopsided than the score indicates. Okay. I confess: I am biased against teams from the east. I am a hard-core Mountain West Conference fan, and because of close proximity, I am also a PAC 10 fan. That means that when a team from the west CRUSHES a team from the east, I am pleased. Very pleased. Very, very, very pleased. Bears host some school from eastern Washington this week.

14. Boise State (1-0) The game against Oregon last week was a snoozer – until the very end. People were fightin’ and stuffs on the field after the game, and an Oregon Duck sucker-punched a Boise State player. I mean, okay, so people like to talk trash and sheeeet like that before/during/after games, but c’mon, man. Was punching necessary? I pine for the day that college football players stop punching each other, and instead, slap armbars or kimuras on opponents during kickoffs  – I think that would be really neat. AWESOME! Up next: at home against Miami (OH).

15. Notre Dame (1-0) The Fightin’ Irish shut out Nevada, 35-0, last week, which was a pretty big deal in South Bend. Hope bounds eternal that the Irish will win out their schedule and use the prestige of Notre Dame’s glorified past to launch them into a championship game. In college football, if you play teams that suck, or that nobody has heard of, or even Michigan, your strength of schedule will drop, thus causing your rankings to also drop. Play Michigan? Watch your rankings fall – even if you win. Such is the state of college football these days. This weekend, expect Notre Dame to win at Michigan, 3-2.

16. Nebraska (1-0) The Cornhuskers put up a ton of points against Florida Atlantic (49-3), and yet, the defense gave up huge chunks of yards – but not points. The Cornhuskers’ once vaunted defense, “The Blackshirts,” ought to start wearing reflective orange jerseys if they want to win meaningful games this year. Still, this is just the second week of the season, and Saturday’s upcoming game against Arkansas State will give Nebraska time to iron out problems.

17. Georgia Tech (1-0) I really do not know much about Tech. I know the school is in Georgia. I know they are known as Yellowjackets. And I know that umm .. well, not much. But as I said before, I always bum ESPN’s rankings, and since they ranked Georgia Tech in the Top 20, I do the same – that is how college rankings are done. Up next: at home against Clemson.

18. North Carolina (1-0) Why ESPN ranked the Tarheels so high, I have no idea. Probably because ESPN is located on the east coast, as is North Carolina. I was going to rank New Mexico in this slot, but decided that because Michael Jordan played college basketball at North Carolina, I was gonna give the ranking to the Tarheels instead. ‘Sides, the Lobos kinda suck.

19. Kansas (1-0) Beating Northern Colorado last week was nuthin’ for the Jayhawks. Beating top competition is another matter, and every year, Kansas becomes a hype machine, only to falter in big games. Still, they play UTEP this weekend, and for Kansas to establish itself as a legitimate, Top 20 contender, the Jayhawks need to put UTEP away. Expect a close game: Kansas, 24-21.

20. Iowa (1-0) Lucky. That is how you describe Iowa’s 17-16 win over Northern Iowa last week. In fact, I think Northern Iowa played so darn well that I am gonna rank ‘em next – that is how good Northern Iowa must be. All year long, we are gonna remember Iowa as, “I-Owe-Wha?”, ‘cos they owe Northern Iowa one. Lucky. Or chance? Or divine intervention? Whatever.

21. Northern Iowa (0-1)

22. Air Force (1-0)

23. New Mexico (0-1)

24. Oklahoma (0-1)

25. Georgia (0-1)

Paotie’s Upset Special: #4 USC at #5 Ohio State. This will be a game in which USC quarterback, Matt Barkley either establishes himself as a top-notch quarterback, or he stumbles from the learning curve. Ohio State on the other hand, is playing at home, which may give the Buckeyes a slight advantage in the opening half, but expect memories of last year’s USC romp over Ohio State to slowly cast doubt in the minds of many Buckeyes as the game drags on. USC 44, OSU 20.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie