Denver – Good afternoon, everybody! I hope your summer has been going well. I spent time this summer hiking ’round parts of Colorado, hugged hippies, got grossed out with chicks with hairy armpits and legs, crashed a wine festival and got into a fisticuffs or two. And! Plus! I went fishing and didn’t catch nuthin’, went panhandling and didn’t catch nuthin’, neither. I also crashed a beer festival, saw a drunk woman do a face-plant, and won a free dinner at an expensive restaurant  .. and .. and .. lots of other stuffs!

Sheeeeeeeet, man!

GOOD TIMES! GREAT VIBRATIONS!

Anyway .. today is August. And that means this is the time of year when young men morph into masculine beasts of muscles pounding hard and fast against each other on plush fields of grass. This is also the time of year when ass-slapping is an acceptable form of male greeting, and when young men jump into the arms of other young men – usually in moments of sheer ecstacy – stadiums filled with 100,000 screaming-mad spectators erupt in euphoric, fanatical delight.

I figured to put up a preseason ranking list for all ya’ll – just ‘cos. I mean, the beauty of college football is the Unknown Factor of each Saturday: anyone can win on any given Saturday – with its parity spread far and wide, we can only guess, speculate, wish, fantasize and dream about who will be this year’s national college football champions.

The rankings below are based only on scientific fact.

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1. Florida - Last year, Florida beat up everybody (almost). This year, Florida will beat up everybody again. No “almost” this year. Did you know – and I did not know – that there is a rapper/singer named, “Flo.Rida?” Cool.

2. Oklahoma State – The Creamsicle Cowboys almost had a chance at the national championship last year. Well, okay, maybe not really almost but they scared the bejesus out of a lot of teams. This year, the Cowboys will be looking to sock it to the Big 12’s Bullies (Oklahoma, Texas), and OSU will again lose to Texas Tech – in Stillwater.

3. Texas – Okay. For many Texas fans, last year’s win over Oklahoma meant the Sooners were merely lucky to finish ranked higher than Texas in the final, BCS computer rankings. Super lucky. Really, really lucky. Quarterback Colt McCoy and Texas will lose to Oklahoma this year in Dallas – and final BCS computer polls will rank the Longhorns higher the Sooners. Mark my words!

4. Oklahoma – Nothin’ like irritating Sooners’ fans by ranking Texas higher than Oklahoma. Expect Oklahoma to squeak by Texas in Dallas on October 17 but that will be meaningless in the final BCS computer polls. Mark my words! (Click here to read the Wikipedia entry of last year’s game)

5. Alabama – ROLL TIDE ROLL!! Last year, the Tide lost to Utah and embarrassed the helloutta the entire South. Expect a nasty defense from the Tide this year. Same for offense. Actually, I have no clue about either side of the ball but I do know one thing: I just loooooove yelling, “ROLL TIDE ROLL!!” in quiet, public libraries.

6. Kansas – Right about now, a lot of you are wondering, “What the hell’s wrong with him?!” Yes. Yes. I understand. Kansas is probably not even a Top 20 team, but by virtue of being in the Big 12 – that is how preseason rankings work – they get to be ranked in the Top 10. Just ‘cos. Yes. Yes.

7. Penn State – Head coach, PapaJoe, has been coaching at Penn State since Teddy Roosevelt was president of the US. The man epitomizes smash-mouth, ankle-snapping, eye-poking college football – the way it ought to be played. This year’s team looks to be good. Here’s to hoping PapaJoe coaches for another decade, at least.

8. Ole Miss – They are a good team. Very good. Quite good. They should be very good this year, too. We know this for a fact because they were pretty good last year, so they ought to be pretty good this year. Makes perfectly good sense to me.

9. Virginia Tech – Frank Beamer is back for another run at the national championship. His teams are almost always loaded with talent on both sides of the ball. The Hokies’ special teams have historically been among the best, and there is no reason to assume that this year will be an exception.

10. USC – The Pretty Boys of college football will have to learn to Live Life Without Mark Sanchez. If Sanchez had stayed another year, USC might have been ranked higher, but Sanchez left the Pretty Boys for the Big Apple and gobs of money, so USC is in a rebuilding mode of sorts this year. Still, most USC practice squad players would be starters on other big-time teams. Like Ohiostate Sucks U.

11. Ohio State – Ohiostate Sucks U. is usually ranked in the Top 10 of most sports pundits’ polls but I tend to think they are usually overrated. Playing Florida in the national championship is unlikely, and with an exciting schedule this year, it just may be worth watching an Ohiostate Sucks U. game. We’ll see.

12. Boise State – The Blue Carpet Boys look to crash this year’s BCS party. A Florida-Boise State game would be pretty .. blue. Yah. Will it happen? Probably not. Season opener (September 5) against Oregon will determine postseason chances.

13. Notre Dame – The Fightin’ Irish are somehow expected to be a Top 20 team this year. Charlie Weis is still one of my favorite coaches, but I dunno if this will be the year that the Weis campaign produces a solidly Top 20 team. The Irish host USC later this season and that will be a good barometer of Weis’ tenure at Notre Dame.

14. Oregon – The Men in Green are expected to challenge the Pretty Boys for PAC 10 dominance. If the Ducks can escape the first half of their schedule (Boise State, Purdue, Utah and California) without a loss, they can cruise to the postseason. An unusually weak conference schedule helps Oregon this year.

15. Georgia – Another team from the South that fields talented squads year after year after year. This year is no exception and fans can expect the Bulldawgs to make lots of noise. But, unfortunately for Georgia, the Bulldawgs pay Florida a visit on Halloween, so give a dog a bone and let’s be on our way.

16. Iowa – See, Ohiostate Sucks U. and Penn State are both in the same conference (Big Ten) as Iowa. And since college football rankings are done by conference association, Iowa will be a team to watch. Do you ever think you’re watching the Pittsburgh Steelers when you watch an Iowa football game? Yah? Me, too. Weird.

17. Lousiana State – The Tigers are usually a Top 10 team. In recent years, though, LSU has seemingly stumbled out of the national title picture but this is another year and that means this is a year in which anyone can win any given day, again. Except whomever plays Florida. Tigers host Florida October 10 in Baton Rouge – a game you do not want to miss.

18. Florida State – Head coach, Bobby Bowden, is roughly the same age and has roughly the same number of wins as Penn State’s PapaJoe. But unlike PapaJoe, Bowden’s teams have been in decline for several seasons now, and chances at a national title seem to be slipping away each year. But Bowden is a legacy unto himself and this year’s team might surpasses expectations. Doubtful, though.

19. TCU – The Horned Dogs play in the Mountain West Conference, which is like the ugly stepsister to the BCS’ Cinderella, and should win the conference title. The curse of the MWC will cause TCU to play in the Alamo Bowl and not the Rose Bowl because nobody east of Toledo (read: BCS voters) even knows where TCU is located (it’s in Texas).

20. Utah/BYU (tie) – Rare is it that I have a tie in my rankings. Both are in the same state. Both play each other and lots of common opponents, such as New Mexico (Lobos at Utah, September 7; BYU at Lobos, September 14). So they are tied. Look for the Florida of the West to emerge from somewhere in Utah.

21. California

22. North Carolina

23. Nebraska

24. Oregon State

25. Air Force

National Title Game Prediction: Texas 41, Florida 40 (12 OTs)

Mark my words!

Paotie