Pulsating Porcupines!
Banana! Manana!
Obama! Osama!
Yo’Mamma!
Tweedle-deee-dooooooooo! Tweedle-deee-daaaaaaay!
“Mmm .. ‘kay,” you say?
I know! I feel the same way!
Okay .. I am sick again today and have nothing to do. The girls are outta the house and the animals are napping. And it’s Saturday and I ain’t got a damn thing to do, so I figured to punch out a quick little story – just for the hell of it.
(What this means is that the story below may or may not have a point to it and is purely fictional and is not meant to be art in any form.)
“As I drove my heavy, black sedan through howling winds and horizontal snow, I looked ahead into the night as the car’s headlights struggled to shine through torrential blusters of snowflakes, and then I saw it: a porcupine.
It was just standing on the side of a white, snow-covered road, being a porcupine.
I nudged the big car gently to a halt and grimaced at the noise of steel rotors carving into steel. I knew I needed new brakes but the porcupine looked like it needed a break, too.
It was a very big and black porcupine.
Leaving the car in idle, I climbed out of the driver’s seat, which was covered in black leather that made my skin breakout in rashes whenever I wore shorts in the summer, and quickly closed the door with gloved hand.
And then I moonwalked towards the porcupine.
When I got to within a few yards of the porcupine, we both sniffed the air, and then I smelled a heavy musk in the air – probably the fantabulous cologne that I recently purchased at Newman’s Mar – and took a couple steps to my left towards a nearby tree and away from the porcupine.
I wiped my nose and blinked as my eyes struggled to adjust to the sharp, winter air. An itch in my throat caused me to cough and made the porcupine look at me in earnest though it did not stop moving.
And it was weird, too: it looked like it was humping something under the snow – probably a fallen tree.
I coughed again and the porcupine’s redundant motions came to an abrupt halt. It moved a little bit one way and then it moved a little bit the other way – it looked like it was trying to hide its embarrassment or something.
I felt guilty for interrupting and offered my apologies.
When I finished, I quietly and quickly tip-toed on deep snow back to my car and found the windshield was covered with a thin layer of powdered snow. As I opened a heavy door, I sneezed before climbing into the warm, safe confines of my car.
Once inside, I felt the familiar warmth of the car’s heater on at full-blast and sneezed again before putting the transmission into gear. And as I drove away from the porcupine on the side of the road that late, winter night, I wondered what it had thought of me.
I mean, I had interrupted its little soiree.
Poor, pulsating porcupine – I’m really sorry.”
See you later, gators.
Paotie
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*giggling*
*laughing*
Next time make the story longer! More!
Get well!
Yah, laughed over that story about $100G damage caused by the porcupine plague in Telluride, too. Funnier yet is that the damage is done by the critters in off-season (mating season, too?) when nobody’s there to look (snowbird population).
And you sneezed, wheezed, and coughed your way thru the story…what happens next? This could turn into a novella of some sorts.
*laughing*
$100G damaged? You need to rag and get this to be shining!
You need to go to the allergy specialist.
Have the girls take you to the doctor to get a flu mist. Tell the girls that you need to get a humidifier.
Be play smart.
Imagine the action of the quills on a pulsating porcupine…I’d stay out of quill-shot range, too.
I was wondering, how far it would go. Turns out, it’s a total myth that these quills projects out. They fall out on their own and get hooked up to any mouth that tries to attack them. I’m getting an education here as it is…
Well, it’s not like you’d wanna say, “AWwww, wotta cutie you are!” and pet ‘em, whew.
‘Twas bad enough when hubby and I had to stand stock-still at a campfire while skunks rubbed up and did figure-eights around our legs (like cats’d do) on a camping trip once. Not to mention when we woke up the next morning and saw that the ‘coons had partayed ’round the sugar bowl left on the picnic table near by, they wiped their pawprints all over the paper napkins next to the bowl as well. Fastidious creatures, wouldn’t you know it.
Anything spiney, isn’t cute, I agree.
I dunno about skunks, but raccoons are cute! Skunks behavin like cats, eh? That’s something.
It’s better than skunks! Let’s chase ‘em! Make sure to put many marshmallows, graham crackers, chocolate and baked beans on the ground.
Reason why ‘coons have their black masks all over their eyes!
Good thing that you did not get the rabies!
Got ‘coon stories aplenty. Wanna know why the ‘coons sat in our fountain one evening as pleased as punch? They dined on fine cuisine, you can take a guess as to what that was.
A bird?
Ahh, me and my cats and their kill. I stopped myself, and said bird? nah, can’t be. Raccoons do not eat birds, or do they? Do tell.
Oh, we have one of those double-tiered fountains and those birds do love to drink from the top fountain, but nope, not the birds.
We heard a noise one evening and looked out the hall window, saw some red-eyes, and puzzled, my hubby shined a flashlight at the red-eyes, and there were two ‘coons actually sitting in the water of the bottom part of the tiered fountain dining on our koi fish, with the remains of the fish skeletons hanging on either side of their mouths. Caught ‘em in the act, but too late for the golden fish.
We’ve tried everything from plastic to metal netting tied over the bottom fountain tier, but these critters can chew their way thru anything. Rose bushes, etc. planted around the fountain doesn’t deter them either.
The deer love drinking from the fountain and eating the roses on top of that. Woops, that’s another story.
ha!
Koi fish, eh? I bet they had had the best dining experience that night.
Well, sounds like you guys have an interesting surrounding to deal with. I don’t know too much about keeping raccoons at bay. I think I would have enjoyed having raccoons than a Koi fish.
I think I’ll need to send Slyvester, the cat to take a good care of Tweety.
If you see Bambi, then, your’e a one of a damn lucky!
Hi there,
Thanks for the comment. People sure do the darnest things when they react to things. I’ve had people think they are going to catch lupus and then you have those that “act like they know what it is,but really don’t. Your comment made me laugh and its good for the soul so they say.
Chronic Chick
Chronic Chick Talk ..
People have thought deafness was contagious. If only Deaf Experts could have their fantasies come true.
Sarcasm aside, humor is the best medicine – I agree.
Paotie
One summer, I was working as a camp counselor in Minnesota. It was parent’s weekend, where all the kids went home to mom and dad while we staff just hung out for the weekend, and we all decided to go to this bar called “The Last Cast”. It was a good 30 minutes from our camp, in Wisconsin. After having a few beers and relaxing, my friend Mike decided he wanted to head back to his cabin. I decide to go with him, since I was bored and under 21, and we bummed our friend Don’s truck that is a stick shift.
As we were driving back to camp, I saw a huge black mass in the road, and Mike just totally ran over it. I yelled at him for running over an animal, and he was like, no that was just a big rock. I am like, I have never seen a big rock like that in the middle of the road! He can’t figure out how to reverse, so we head back to camp.
The next day.. Don comes up to me and says, what happened last night? There are porcupine quills in my tires! I was shocked, and saddened! We killed a porcupine!
Never drive over any black mass in the road, you may need to buy new tires!