Denver – Good morning, everybody! I hope you have been doing well. Tired of hearing about the Great Recession of the United States? Fear not! Tired of reading about financial woes afflicting nearly every industry around the world? Worry not! There is now a cure: unemployed people can become extortion-driven professional victims!

I am not kidding you!

Wha’Sup?!

Anyway .. I got my haircut yesterday and it went really well. The woman who cut my hair snipped a little bit here and snipped a little bit there and then snipped a little bit everywhere’s there.

And on that farm, she had a pair, E I E I O!

Really!

In fact, she always looks like a born dominatrix: she wears black clothes with black-rimmed glasses that sit on a milky-white face partially covered by long, black hair. Put some black leather on the woman and she could easily be mistaken for a professional ass-slapper.

E I E I O!

She’s also the type of attractive professional who likes to be in charge – every so often, she’d force me to move my head into a specific position. And! Plus! She liked to talk while her hands performed tricky maneuvers meant to please my heart.

“How’s this?” she’d ask.

“I love how you squish ‘em together!” I’d reply.

And then we’d laugh together.

And then she’d say, “You and your mohawk, funny guy.”

E I E I O!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver – Good morning, everybody! I hope you had a great weekend. There is a protest gaining national attention on Facebook! People are outraged! People are protesting! Women are baring their souls! Bras are being burned! Nipples have gone nudist! And all this in defiance of an online, social networking web site!

I LOVE DEMOCRACY!

HaHa!

Wow! People are obscenely outraged about the Facebook Obscenity scandal!

I s’pose some people perceive a picture of a baby suckling from a mother’s teat as titillatingly obscene. Outraged mothers insist that the Facebook picture is genuinely natural and that the only people complaining about the pictures are Prickly Perverts.

Confused? Don’t be!

In Japan, a protein found in breast milk is being studied as a potential way to reduce fat in adults’ abdomens. Lactoferrin is the protein in breast milk that has shown an ability to reduce visceral fat – the deep fat in people’s guts – and may ultimately help reduce the risk of heart attacks.

And! Plus! One web site even offers a recommendation on when it is best to dine on milk of a woman’s breast:

If you want to try this new breast milk diet, the particulars are important. To get the best results, you need to find “new” breast milk, which is from someone that has birthed within the last 3 days.

“Mmm .. ‘kay,” you say?

I know! I feel the same way!

Anyway, the point of today’s article is its title.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Tah-Tah!

Paotie

Banana! Manana!

Obama! Osama!

Yo’Mamma!

Tweedle-deee-dooooooooo! Tweedle-deee-daaaaaaay!

“Mmm .. ‘kay,” you say?

I know! I feel the same way!

Okay .. I am sick again today and have nothing to do. The girls are outta the house and the animals are napping. And it’s Saturday and I ain’t got a damn thing to do, so I figured to punch out a quick little story – just for the hell of it.

(What this means is that the story below may or may not have a point to it and is purely fictional and is not meant to be art in any form.)

“As I drove my heavy, black sedan through howling winds and horizontal snow, I looked ahead into the night as the car’s headlights struggled to shine through torrential blusters of snowflakes, and then I saw it: a porcupine.

It was just standing on the side of a white, snow-covered road, being a porcupine.

I nudged the big car gently to a halt and grimaced at the noise of steel rotors carving into steel. I knew I needed new brakes but the porcupine looked like it needed a break, too.

It was a very big and black porcupine.

Leaving the car in idle, I climbed out of the driver’s seat, which was covered in black leather that made my skin breakout in rashes whenever I wore shorts in the summer, and quickly closed the door with gloved hand.

And then I moonwalked towards the porcupine.

When I got to within a few yards of the porcupine, we both sniffed the air, and then I smelled a heavy musk in the air – probably the fantabulous cologne that I recently purchased at Newman’s Mar – and took a couple steps to my left towards a nearby tree and away from the porcupine.

I wiped my nose and blinked as my eyes struggled to adjust to the sharp, winter air. An itch in my throat caused me to cough and made the porcupine look at me in earnest though it did not stop moving.

And it was weird, too: it looked like it was humping something under the snow – probably a fallen tree.

I coughed again and the porcupine’s redundant motions came to an abrupt halt. It moved a little bit one way and then it moved a little bit the other way – it looked like it was trying to hide its embarrassment or something.

I felt guilty for interrupting and offered my apologies.

When I finished, I quietly and quickly tip-toed on deep snow back to my car and found the windshield was covered with a thin layer of powdered snow. As I opened a heavy door, I sneezed before climbing into the warm, safe confines of my car.

Once inside, I felt the familiar warmth of the car’s heater on at full-blast and sneezed again before putting the transmission into gear. And as I drove away from the porcupine on the side of the road that late, winter night, I wondered what it had thought of me.

I mean, I had interrupted its little soiree.

Poor, pulsating porcupine – I’m really sorry.”

See you later, gators.

Paotie