Denver – Good morning, everybody! I hope you had a governmentally-bailed out weekend! Word comes from Washington that representatives from the pimps, hos and drug dealing industries are to meet with Congress late Tuesday night – in the parking lot behind the Wal-Mart at Central and Van Buren – to discuss Congressional solicitation of funds by pimps, hos and drug dealers.

Like most automakers, pimps, hos and drug dealers across the country are feeling the effects of the recent credit and mortgage industries’ collapse. In fact, the latest Congressional hearings – in which the nation’s biggest automakers are pleading for governmental help to avoid financial ruin – have inspired countless pimps, hos and drug dealers to do the same and seek more money from the American people before it’s too late.

“People don’t have no’mo’ cash, man – they wanna trade fo’ my high grade!” said a toothless professional from Portland, Oregon. “And by the way, if anyone wanna buy some used iPods – I got ‘bout 45 of ‘em.”

The country’s financial recession has had adverse effects for the red light district: despite a sudden increase in demand for services, there has also been a drastic decline in cash profits as customers are seeking to exchange services with Wii games, Blackberries and illegal immigrants.

“I work hard for my money! So hard for it, honey! Donna Summers know that! I ain’t payin’ no rent with silly-assed video games! What the hell?! And by the way, those iPods I was tellin’ ya’ll ‘bout? Well, them have like, twelve million songs on ‘em! Buy me, sweeties!”

While most pundits agree that President-elect Barack Obama will eventually help fund the streets, it should be noted that over the past month, countless Republicans have helped pimps, hos and drug dealers across America by buying handguns. In fact, President-elect Obama had to take time out of his busy schedule as not-yet-President, stomp out a cigarette and ask Americans to stop buying handguns.

“Yes, we can!” retorted patriotic Americans.

“You betcha!” added Sarah Palin.

Wall Street analysts have taken notice that drug dealers have not been immune to the current economic crises – like pimps and hos, drug dealers are faced with a serious cash crunch. “White people used to like their crack,” said a Santa Fe-based dealer, “but now everybody likes cheap weed and they try to pay with Internet advertising, man!”

I swear to God – put your hands on a stack of Bibles!

And say, “Got-damn! It really hurts when I raise my waxed eyebrows!”

Hot-damn!

I digress!

When asked how much money the pimps, hos and drug dealer industries would seek from Congress, a whore had this to say: “We want $69 billion dollars. That’s right! Either that, or ya’ll can buy some iPods I got – did I mention that I got ’bout 45 of ‘em? Buh-buy, sweeties!”

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie