Denver – Good morning, everybody! I hope your week went well! I am sorry I missed last night’s party at Ben Vess’ blog! People were commenting! People were being diplomatic! And then someone said, “deficit thinkers” and all hell broke loose!

I am not kidding you!

Ohh .. wait! “Deficit thinkers” was from last year! Wow! Time flies!

GOOD TIMES! GREAT VIBRATIONS!

HaHa!

Anyway, on to this week’s College Football: Early Saturday Morning Rankings. (By the way, I am sorry I am late posting – I did not hear the Emergency Broadcast System signals that some of the Green Couch readers sent me via email earlier this morning and last night.)

#1. Texas Tech (10-0)  During a game earlier this week, the Texas Tech basketball team scored 167 points – an omen of today’s football game at Oklahoma. In fact, both Texas Tech and Oklahoma score about 5,000 points a minute and that means you can expect a low-scoring game. Saturday Upset Special! More on that later – if I can remember.

#2. Alabama (11-0) Earlier this week, a Catholic friend invited me to a Catholic church. And because I am deaf, I was sent into a confessional booth where I was promptly asked a question about my religious beliefs. I responded like any rationally sane deaf person would: “ROLL TIDE ROLL!” HaHa! The Tide are off this week; next week, Auburn comes to town.

#3. Utah (11-0) Down in Utah (land of a few Mormons), a football jihad (“HOLY WAR!”) takes places as the Utes (named after a few Native Americans) battle the mighty Bring Your Undies (A Few More Mormons) Blue Coogs. Today’s game between BYU and Utah is for bragging rights in the Mountain West Conference – BYU has won the last two league titles. Expect a team from Utah to win today.

#4. Boise State (10-0) Last week, the Blue Broncs crushed somebody. Today, Boise State faces a formidable foe in Nevada, and if last year’s contest – a 69-67 win by BSU – is any indication, today’s game should be a nil-scoring affair. Nevada is much better than their record indicates and Boise State should be on the lookout for an upset. Saturday Upset Special!

#5. Ball State (11-0) Ball State. State Ball. Cinderella. Twisted Sister. Yah, baby! Word association rules! Anyway, the Cardinals host Western Michigan on Thanksgiving and if they win, there’s a great chance that Ball State will not make the BCS. Too bad though, because even Ball State could beat the Michigan Wolverines – that’s a sign of how good Ball State really is. Or how bad Michigan really is. Or both.

#6. Florida (9-1) Urban Meyer. Urban Meyer. Why am I always saying that? I dunno but I know one thing’s for sure: there are a lot of elderly people in Florida. And alligators! And Disney freaks! Adrienne Bailon might’ve been burned by her publicity stunt but there’s no escaping the cold, hard reality of life: Adrienne Bailon is still freaking hot!

#7. Texas (9-1) The Shorthorns are off this week. And to be nice to my favorite commentators, I won’t say more about the Bawlin’ Bovines except point out the fact that Texas Tech CRUSHED! ‘em! CRUSHED! HaHa! Next week: Arkansas travels to Austin.

#8. USC (9-1) The Pretty Boys are off today – I guess being Pretty Boys is hard work. Next week, Notre Dame travels to California to face the Pretty Boys and Will Ferrell – and that doesn’t bode well for the Cryin’ Irish. Awwww.

#9. Penn State (10-1) The Deaf Sherlock is one of my favorite deaf bloggers and a die-hard Penn State fan. And because I am a huge fan of PapaJoe, I dedicate today’s Michigan State vs Penn State pick to Sherlock. In fact, I predict that Penn State will CRUSH Michigan State today! CRUSH!

10. BYU (10-1) BYU is at #3 Utah today. Did you know BYU’s head coach was once the defensive coordinator at New Mexico? And did you know Brian Urlacher came from New Mexico? And did you know that Rocky Long fired himself as the Lobos’ head coach earlier this week? What a class act, that guy! Rocky Long is my favorite coach of all time. Who cares about BYU? I don’t.

11. Oklahoma State (9-2) The Orange Cowboys are off this week but host Oklahoma next week. Strangely enough, I just realized that the Sooners are not even ranked! Egads! Well, whatever happens, the Orange Cowboys will CRUSH the Sooners next week.

12. Oklahoma (9-1) The Sooners host Texas Tech today. The only team to beat the Sooners was Texas and we all know what happened when Texas played Texas Tech – the Shorthorns were CRUSHED! HeH. HeH.

#13. Ohio State (9-2) Ohiostate Sucks U. season ends today with a game at home against Michigan. And since the Rich-Again Wolverines suck, the Buckeyes have an outside shot at crashing a major BCS bowl game – probably against #5 Ball State. Someday, Michigan will unload the most expensive coach in history and hire Rocky Long.

#14. Missouri (9-2) The Tigers’ early success had them poised to win the national championship but massively inflated egos punctured that dream. Since then, Missouri has been playing with a sense of urgency and that continues today at home against Kansas. And then comes a huge opportunity to upset the winner of the Big XII North.

#15. TCU (9-2) The Texas Christians’ Horned Toads host Air Force today. The local press is entirely enamored over Air Force’ efforts to turn the academy’s sports program into a non-profit organization. Interesting concept. Well, that’d make sense given the fact the Falcons have a generous, charity-driven defense. I will pray for you like a Republican – a vindictive Christian – Falcon fans.

#16. Georgia (9-2) The Dawgs are off this week but host Georgia Tech next week. Well, there ain’t much to play for if you are a Dawgs’ fan – other than for the Sun Bowl in El Paso, Texas. Still, Georgia Tech comes to town next week and that ought to be a great game.

#17. LSU (7-3) The Tigers barely got past Troy last week after losing to #2 Alabama the week before that in overtime. Well, ‘Sissipi is up today and we all know that ‘Sissipi beat Florida earlier this year. And we all remember that Adrienne Bailon is freaking hot! Who let the dogs out?! WOOF! WOOF! HaHa!

#18. Cincinnati (8-2) The Bearcats hosts #19 Pitt today in a Big Easy showdown. The winner of today’s game probably has the best chance of capturing the Big Easy title. What this means is that if Cincinnati was in the Mountain West Conference, Rocky Long would not have fired himself.

#19. Pitt (7-2) Like Georgia without Herschel Walker, Pitt is useless without Tony Dorsett. True biz! And! Plus! If Pitt was in the Mountain West Conference, Rocky Long would not have fired himself.

#20. Michigan State (9-2) The Spartans have lost too many times to ranked teams to take them seriously for today’s game at #9 Penn State. The only reason the Spartans are even ranked is because of Rashad Evans – the soon-to-be-light-heavyweight-champion of the world. Regardless, Deaf Sherlock will be pleased with today’s outcome – a victory for PapaJoe.

#21. Oregon State (7-3) The Beavers are back in the rankings again and vying for a Rose Bowl bid. Up today: at Arizona. I once visited the Arizona campus and felt like I was on a Hooters’ campus. GOOD TIMES! GREAT VIBRATIONS!

#22. Oregon (8-3) The Ducks are off this week but play with the Beavers of Oregon State next week. I have never been to Oregon state and intend to fix that soon. Snowboarding at Mt. Hood – there’s an idea!

#23. North Carolina (8-3) The Tarheels host North Carolina State today. What is a Tarheel? Somebody who puts out cigarette butts with their heel. HeH. HeH. Yah, that’s all I wrote.

#24. Georgia Tech (8-3) Earlier this week, Tech defeated the Miami Hurricanes, which suits me perfectly fine. Ever since Jimmy Johnson left Miami for Dallas, I have not liked the Hurricanes. And when Jimmy went back to Miami after winning Super Bowls with the Cowboys, I liked the Hurricanes again. And when Michael Irvin got caught with drugs, I stopped liking the Hurricanes. But when Michael Irvin became a sportscaster, I liked him again and all was well with the world. I heart Georgia Tech!

#25. Adrienne Bailon (11-1) Even hot chicks lose once in a while! Well, not the best of publicity stunts for someone under contract with Disney. I mean, imagine if one of Mr. Rogers’ hot assistants had posed for Penthouse, what then? Wow! What a great idea! Anyway, Ms. Bailon will be fine – as soon as she poses for Penthouse.

Paotie’s Saturday Upset Special:

#1 Texas Tech vs #12 Oklahoma – The Red Raiders have an all-world potent offense that should continue to score lots against Oklahoma, which is not known for its defense. In a battle of offenses, defense could very well produce a winner; in years past, the Red Raiders were not known for their defenses but this year has been different. For Oklahoma, however, the one constant remains: head coach Bob Stoops is an all-world whiner, especially at home. Texas Tech 167-38.

Thanksgiving vs Christmas – I dunno, this is a close call. Every Thanksgiving, we eat gobs of turkey, squash, green beans and pumpkin pie, among lots of other things. Every Christmas, I always get sick from drinking too much egg nog and given the state of the economy this year, Xmas looks to be X’ed out. Still, I’d rather get egg nog tummyaches than watch crappy NFL games during Thanksgiving. Christmas 1-0.

“And I’ll be back
When the day is new
And I’ll have more ideas for you.
And you’ll have things you’ll want to talk about.
I will too.” – Mr. Rogers’

Happy Thanksgiving!

Paotie

Denver – Good morning, everybody! I hope your week has been going well. Word comes from India that swashbuckling pirates have attacked ships off the Horn of Africa!  Ocean-going and scurvy-starved pirates are seizing oil tankers, freight ships and Chinese-pirated ships containing pirated copies of “Pirates of the Caribbean!”, Microsoft Vista and illegal immigrants from Mexico!

“Mmm .. ‘kay,” you say?

I know!

I feel the same way!

Anyway .. I want to talk about reading people’s faces. In fact, I intend to correct a common misperception about deaf people like me who do what we do and do it damn well. And that misperception is that deaf people like me only read lips.

We do not!

We do not just read lips!

Do not!

Read my lips!

Do not!

That’s right! We do not just read lips!

We read people’s faces.

Faces! Not just lips – faces! Not just eyebrows – faces! We read all over the face – not just the hands! Faces!

Aigh’t?

Faces!

I mean .. how do I explain this?

I know!

Once! I was at a Hooters in Albuquerque with some friends of mine and this big, ol’ hulking freak of a man overheard someone say that I was deaf and “fucking funny.” And then the huge guy (“name’s Jim, by the way”) invited himself to our table, sat down and said something about “deaf people reading lips.”

After a while and about four pitchers of beer, I accidentally told someone at my table that for every person that I ever talked to, I had created a voice in my head that matched what I saw as I read people and their faces. And for some reason or another, an idea settled into my brain that I had suddenly made everybody uncomfortable with my “I am deaf and hear voices” declaration.

“Take Jim,” I said to nervous smiles at my table, “and notice how big and manly he is.” He flashed me with an unapologetic smile.

“And! Plus! Look at the stubble on his face – dark and scratchy. Jim is a ‘rough and gruff’ kinda dude who wears tight t-shirts, faded jeans and big, ol’ construction boots.”

I pretended to wink at Jim.

“Masculine, right?”

The truth was, though, that everything about Jim seemed to be on sphincter-overdrive. Like .. every time he lifted his beer glass, muscles rippled up and down his entire arm, traveled across his back, down the street to the 7-11 and then back – all in time for a refill!

I swear – cross my heart and have some pie!

Construction worker. Big, buffed dude. Squared jaw. Tanned. Masculine. Ate a ton of chicken BBQ wings. Drank two whole pitchers by himself. Burped endlessly. Sly Stallone-ish lips/face.

Here was a guy clearly trying very hard to be a manly man.

“Jim’s voice appears to sound like Gilbert Gottfried hyped up on meth!”

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY, DEAF BOY?!”

HaHa!

That was kinda fun-knee!

Or! Let’s try a different tact:

S’pose that I were to start yelling at you right here right now!

Aigh’t?

I AM NOW YELLING AT YOU. THAT’S RIGHT – YELLING.

I ONCE FLEW OVER A NUDIST COLONY. I DID NOT EVEN SEE IT – MY PLANE FLEW RIGHT OVER IT. THAT SUCKED.

And you thought I was yelling at you!?

But I wasn’t! Really – it is impossible for me to YELL at you!

I’m here!

You’re there!

Impossible!

When you THOUGHT I was YELLING at you, I really wasn’t!

See?!

Simple!

I’m here!

You’re there!

Impossible!

HaHa!

I love being deaf!

That’s what deaf people like me do – we read people’s faces. And behind those faces are voices that we hear, too!

Well .. that’s how it works for me – thanks for listening!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

#1. Texas Tech (10-0) That’s right! Texas Tech is numero uno! The West Texas Boys are number one! The Don’t Mess with West Texas Express continues next week in Oklahoma, which is just fine and dandy: the last time any team named “Oklahoma” played the Red Raiders, they were roundly crushed by Texas Tech. CRUSHED!

#2. Alabama (10-0) ROLL TIDE ROLL! At a restaurant earlier this week, a hot blonde waitress asked me how my breakfast was and then I replied, “ROLL TIDE ROLL!” Then I got pulled over for speeding near downtown Denver and the po-lice officer asked me if I knew how fast I’d been driving and then I replied, “ROLL TIDE ROLL!”  HaHa!

#3. Utah (10-0) Wow! I am shocked myself!  And I agree, too – the Utes do not deserve to be ranked numero tres! The past two weeks have seen the Utes escape with narrow wins; today a game at San Diego State offers Utah a respite before a showdown with #15 BYU next week finally reveals what everybody else has long known – Utah is vastly overrated.

#4. Boise State (9-0) Did you know the word “Boise” actually came from a Quiet Riot song? “C’mon, feel the noise! Girls, rock your boise!  We’ll get wild wild wild wild!” Yah, baby! The Broncos’ are a virtual lock to land an invitation to a top-tiered bowl game so long as they continue to crush their opponents. “We’re gonna get rocked tonight (c’mon on feel the noise)!”

#5. Ball State (10-0) Ball State. Cinderella. Quiet Riot. Muppets. Okay, word association is not a strong suit of mine, so I’ll stop here.  The Cardinals face stiff opposition at Central Michigan later this week.  A loss could seriously derail any Ball State hopes for a major bowl game.

#6. Texas (9-1) Word comes from Austin that the Shorthorns were devastated by their loss to Texas Tech – in which the Red Raiders CRUSHED the Shorthorns! Wow! “Mmm .. kay,” you say? I know! I feel the same way! Texas should easily roll past a Kansas defense that fled when the INS showed up last week.

#7. Oklahoma (9-1) Oklahoma has been chomping at the bit to knock off NUMBER UNO Texas Tech. Guess what? It’s not gonna happen today. And! Plus! I guarantee it! Next week, Oklahoma hosts top-ranked Texas Tech, where the Red Raiders will CRUSH the Sooners! CRUSH ‘EM! Next week! Seven more days! 7!

#8.  Florida (9-1) A recent Eitoap Press Poll indicates that most Americans would not name their child “Rural” if given the chance. Meanwhile, former Florida head coach, Steve Spurrier, and his #22 South Carolina Gamecocks travel to The Swamp to face Urban (not “Rural”) Meyer’s troops in an all-important game. Somebody will win and it will be Mr. Meyer’s team – by a lot.

#9. USC (9-1) The Pretty Boys from USC are at Stanford and everybody remembers what happened last year: the Smart Boys beat the Pretty Boys and caused the Pretty Boys to miss out on the national championship. Will that happen again this year? Saturday Upset Special! NOT!

#10. Penn State (9-1) PapaJoe is freakin’ awesome, man! He’s the same age as my grandfather and my grandfather doesn’t even remember me! And PapaJoe is still coaching! PapaJoe is the epitome of class in college football. Who cares that the Nittany Lions lost last week to I-owe-wha?! Whatever – I wouldn’t want to be Indiana today.

#11. Oklahoma State (8-2) C’mon and say it with me: last week, the Cowboys were CRUSHED by Texas Tech! CRUSHED! Yah! Well, Orange Cowboy fans, I feel your pain: being CRUSHED by the Red Raiders sucks! HaHa! Let me mail ya’ll a license plate that says: SUX2BU! HaHa! I kid. Seriously. Today at Colorado; next week #7 Oklahoma comes to town.

#12. Ohio State (8-2) Last week, Ohiostate Sucks U. crushed then-ranked-something Northwestern, 45-something. And one reason for Ohiostate Sucks U’s rise in the rankings is because of the Buckeyes’ defense, which is tops in the Big-something conference. Today, they face a potent Illini offense that leads the same league in total offense.

#13. Georgia (8-2) The Dawgs of Dixie barely got by Kentucky last week and that doesn’t bode well for today’s game at Auburn. Things haven’t gone Auburn’s way this year and if there’s a team looking to play spoiler, it’s Auburn. Saturday Upset Special! Probably not.

#14. Missouri (8-2) The Tigers are at I-owe-wha?! State today and this bodes well for Missouri fans everywhere: nobody will show up at I-owe-wha?! State to watch Missouri maul little water spouts floating across football-lilly ponds. I-owe-wha?! State kinda .. sucks. Missouri doesn’t. Poor I-owe-wha?! State.

#15. BYU (9-1) The Blue Coogs are at Air Force today and I will be in the stands doing what I do most in Colorado: freeze my ass off (FMAO). It snowed earlier this week, and riding ‘round in my scooter caused me to what? That’s right! FMAO! Go ahead and LMAO about FMAO but I guarantee that Air Force will win! HaH.

#16. TCU (9-2) The Purple Toads lost to Utah last week in a heartbreaker of a loss. TCU is off this week but hosts Air Force next week in the final game of the season. TCU fans are chomping at the bit for this game, wanting to solidify the Toads’ chances of landing a luxurious bowl game.

#17.  Michigan State (9-2) The Spartans are off today but travel to Happy Valley to face #10 Penn State next week. Rashad Evans has been increasingly popular lately, which is the sole reason why the Spartans are ranked. Seriously!

#18.  LSU (6-3) Okay, so they didn’t knock off then #1 Alabama like I had predicted. It happens – I am wrong once in a blue moon. I mean, the Tigers had it all but let it slip away at the very end. So close. So far. What does it mean? Troy State heads to town – they’ll find out.

#19. Florida State (7-2) The ‘Noles crushed Clemson last week, which came as no big surprise given the way head coach Bobby Bowden runs the 40-yard-dash in 12 minutes and 25 seconds. “The running game is crucial” to FSU’s chances of winning, Bowden has said at some point in his coaching career. He’s right: his defense will stop Boston College today.

#20. Pitt (7-2) The Panthers are off this week but face #21 Cincinnati next week in an all-important game. Read #21 for more information.

#21. Cincinnati (8-2) The Bearcats are off this week but face #20 Pitt next week in an all-important game. Read #21 for more information.

#22. South Carolina (7-3) Steve Spurrier faces his former team and alma mater in Florida today in a pivotal game for both teams. Should Florida win, experts predict there will eventually be a child named Urban Rural Meyer. Seriously!

#23. Oregon State (6-3) About the only good reason to mention the Beavers of Oregon State – besides the obvious – is the fact that they beat the Pretty Boys earlier this year. Big deal. Up today: at home against an always potent California team.

#24. Tulsa (9-1) They lost to Arkansas last week, which was a shocker for me. But that’s the only loss of the year for Tulsa and given the fact that they crushed New Mexico earlier this year and most other ranked teams did not, I must rank ‘em. Today: at home against Houston.

#25. Air Force (8-2) The local sports media has been rife with shamelessly blatant puns about the Air Force football team – I have forgotten them already. But the important thing is that where I’m from, you do not mess with the Force. Up today against BYU – Saturday Upset Special!

Paotie’s Saturday Upset Specials:

#15 BYU vs #25 Air Force – According to the local sports media, Air Force is too small to compete with the likes of BYU, which ironically, stands for Bullies Your Undies. Well, I am proud of our military because their adage is always about overcoming and adjusting and adapting and adopting and FMAO and things like that. Air Force 32-31 (OT).

Brock Lesnar vs Randy Couture – Yes, I know: I need to get back to posting stuffs about MMA soon. And I will – soon. For now, be content in knowing that I will be watching tonight’s fight between the two men for the UFC 91 heavyweight championship belt  – one an up-coming savior and the other, an ageless veteran. Couture by finger-lock (RD 1).

Adios!

Paotie