Denver – Good morning, everybody! I overslept! I am deaf as most of you readers know but I overslept! I overslept because I did not hear my alarm go off!

HaHa!

I know .. I know: ’scuses, ’scuses.

Anyway, here is today’s College Football: Early Saturday Morning Rankings.

#1.  Oklahoma (4-0) – Sooner Nation must be rollin’ along nicely. When they’re not busy beating up everybody they play, the Sooners are busy preparing for an eventual loss. Trick question: what team in the Big 12 Conference has the best chance of beating the Sooners? Baylor.

#2. Alabama (5-0) – I know everybody in the world thinks ‘Bama should be #1 after Sarah Palin’s terrible-on-paper performance at the 2008 Vice Presidential Debate. The Tide crushed Georgia last week – just like I predicted – but they had trouble against Kentucky on Friday night.

#3. LSU (4-0) – The Tigers are off this weekend. Next week: at Florida.

#4. Missouri (4-0) – These Tigers will soon be the #1 ranked football team in all of America. Eventually, they will conquer the Big 12 Conference title, the national championship, and Iran.

#5. Texas (4-0) – The Longhorns are at Colorado tonight, playing in beautiful Boulder. Saturday Night Upset Special: all the hot chicks in Boulder will distract the Texans long enough allow the Buffs to keep up – until halftime. Then it becomes a “Do Not Mess With Texas” motto for the rest of Colorado’s year.

#6. Penn State (5-0) – Coach Papa Joe is my favorite Papa Joe. He is 2,000 years old and his wisdom shows: he invented beer and boilermakers.  Drinking beer is frowned upon at PSU but not at Purdue. The Nittany Lions should win at Purdue today. Maybe.

#7. Texas Tech (4-0) If USC is “Showtime” in college football, then the Red Raiders are “Shoot ‘Em Fast!” They play a potent Kansas State offense today in what should be a high-scoring game. But unfortunately for the Wildcats, this year’s Texas Tech team is locked and loaded. Lubbock ain’t far from Albuquerque, and that fact will importantly reveal some other fact some other time.

#8. BYU (5-0) – Last night, the Cougers barely got by Utah State. I still think BYU is a Top 5 Team. Unfortunately for me, they also play my hometown New Mexico next weekend.

#9. Utah (6-0) – On Thursday night, the Utes toyed with the Beavers of Oregon State – right down to the very end – in a climatic victory! GEESH! Another Mountain West Conference member (along with BYU) to crack the Top 10 this week.

#10. Vanderbilt (4-0) – The Commodores are singing and juking this far into the season. Tonight: a stiff challenge in Auburn as the Tigers roll into town. Play smart for once, Commodores.

#11. Boise State (4-0) – Ever seen blue turf? Ever seen a bird fly into blue turf? Did you know that Smurfs live in the blue turf there at Boise State? Now you do. Now you also know why Boise State is undefeated and ranked.

#12. Oklahoma State (4-0) – The Cowboys snuck up on everybody this year. Impossible given the fact they wear orange uniforms. What’s up with orange uniforms this year?

#13. Connecticut (5-0) – Connect-I-Cut. That is how you spell it, okay? Easy as pie. Really. The Huskies have also snuck up on lots of people this year. Impossible given the fact that Huskies are generally associated with basketball championships, winter blizzards and illegal immigrants.

#14. Kentucky (4-0) Unfortunately for Wildcat fans, Kentucky is at #2 Alabama. It was a nice run, Wildcats but eventually, reality had to settle in: Sarah Palin is freakin’ hot under hot lights!

#15. USC (2-1) – The Trojans host the Ducks of Oregon tonight.

#16. Wisconsin (3-1) – Cheeseheads, cheeseheads, cheeseheads. Last week against Michigan, ya’ll coulda/shoulda/woulda won. But the Badgers did not. What a bunch of cheeseheads!

#17. Wake Forest (3-1) – The Deacons lost last week. To the Village People. Yet, I have hope they will continue to be better than Duke in at least one sport.

#18. Duke – Don’t look now but the Blue Devils are ranked for the first time in 1,999 years – right before Papa Joe was born. Nerds do play football, ya’know?

#19. Pitt (5-1) – Dan Marino’s former team defeated South Florida Thursday night in a wild shoot-out. Great. Tony Dorsett’s alma mater is doing good these days. Good.

#20. Air Force (3-1) – The Falcons host Navy tonight in a service academy showdown. In a battle of teams focused on ground-n-pound strategies, lots of options will be available today. Guaranteed!

Paotie’s Saturday Upset Special Picks:

Sarah Palin vs Hillary Clinton – In a mud-wrestling event sponsored by Goodheavens Industries, a match between the two politicos will be held. The charity, fund-raising event will feature the two women in skimpy outfits, pointed noses and elephant ankles. Hillary in the 5th by a guillotine choke.

#5 Texas at Colorado – Boulder vs Austin. Hot chicks vs hot chicks. Boulder has hot, hot chicks! Austin does, too! But Austin tends to reek of cow manure, whilst Boulder reeks of .. hemp. GOOD TIMES! GREAT VIBRATIONS! Boulder 21-17.

Catch ya’ll on the fly.

Paotie