Denver – Good afternoon, everybody! I hope your weekend went well. Time is running out for John McCain in the 2008 Presidential Election! In fact, CNN is finally revealing what everybody around the world – except John McCain – has long known: Sarah Palin puts Mariah Carey to shame in the Diva Department!

I am not kidding you!

Hard-core!

HaHa!

Anyway, I have a story to tell you:

One warm Saturday night, I found myself alone – two, empty bar stools next to a brunette-haired chick – in a bar in a small town in central Colorado, nursing a cold Guinness and sore feet after spending the day walking thousands of miles of pavement with the girls.

Shopping should be a sport, ya’know?

I mean, when I go shopping, I know exactly what I want, where it is and how much it’s gonna cost me. And unlike a lot of other people, I do not like to traipse around malls and stores, lilly-gollying about, looking through thousands of items for something that might cost a penny or two cheaper.

When I shop, it’s like, “Wham, bam! Thank you, ma’am!”

I digress!

With the girls happily shopping without me, I tried to pretend to be busy doing other things, like thinking about the meaning of life and also about how shopping should be an Olympic sport because to be honest with all ya’ll, I did not want to talk to the brunette. I just wanted to drink my beer and watch football in a bar – what more could a man ask for?

Ya’know?

But of course, I’m a guy and like all guys, I gotta look. I mean, I just had to look to see if she was talking/looking to me or not – like this one time I swear I thought she’d been talking to me and I all but yelled, “OH! I AM SORRY! DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?!” when she really hadn’t been talking to me at all.

It was like .. I had seen her hand move towards me from the corner of my eye and then a second later, my mind yelled, “REPLY! REPLY! MAYDAY! REPLY! REPLY!”

And once I realized that she had not been talking to me, I felt like a complete ass-wipe and a socially, incompetent idiot. My decision to avoid making conversation with the brunette was heavily influenced by my repeated awkwardness.

I fidgeted with the dark bottle of stout for a little bit, and after setting it down on the wooden counter, I looked up and discovered that the brunette was again looking at me – this time from a small area of mirrored real estate peeking between bottles of liquor on the wall across from where we sat.

Alarm bells flooded my brain when she smiled and winked at me.

And then a massive gasp welled up inside my chest!

And then I stupidly smiled back!

And then I sighed.

And then I took a big gulp of Guinness to soothe my soul as Billy Idol blasted on a jukebox somewhere in the background.

In the midnight hour
she cried ‘More! More! More!’
With a rebel yell,
She cried, ‘More! More! More!’

I digress!

When the Guinness was three-quarters gone, I felt a pang of anxiety – what if she was only looking at me because I was looking at her? And! Plus! I am deaf – I look at everything around me, always.

I didn’t know what to do and figured to pretend to watch the football highlights and gave the occasional “WTF?! FTS!” motion/wave/gesture towards the TV hanging from the ceiling to let people nearby know that I was busy with important matters. When commercials came on, I’d do the Chug-A-Sigh Routine with the brunette.

Later, I was returning to my bar stool after a quick jog to the restroom when I realized that she had been talking to me as I sat down. And because she spoke with a very quick cadence and because I kept blinking, I did not understand what she had asked but deduced that she’d asked one of the following questions:

a)    “What is your game?”
b)    “What time is your game?”
c)    “What game is your time?”
d)    “What town are we in?”

“Yup!” I replied.

After a few more awkward moments, I finally figured that she had asked me for my name. I told her and then drank a good swig of the Guinness. And then I felt stupid again: I felt like I should’ve asked her for her name.

So I did. And I still didn’t understand her.

I politely asked the brunette to repeat her name slowly and to enunciate a bit more clearly. As I struggled again to grasp the way her lips moved and searched my brain for known and similar forms of enunciation, I did not see a thin, leathery and tattooed arm snake around her neck.

There he was, a short and skinny dude with a wild-eyed look that gave off the impression that the guy was certifiable. It was like somebody was far, far, far beyond left of centerfield, if ya’know what I’m sayin’.

And as I realized that the woman and wild-eyed dude were maniacally making out and about to rent a by-the-hour room somewhere, I also discovered that the dude was eyeing me in a weird way – through the very same mirrored wall across the bar that I had earlier seen the brunette.

And then I winked and smiled at the guy, which evidently was a bad thing to do. I mean, first the guy froze; then he stood up like a giant ironing board and turned to face me. The other thing was the fact that while all that was happening, I overheard the brunette tell the crazy dude about how we were “friends” or some such shite – which of course was not true.

I mean, first I saw a fist flying through the air and then ..

And then I ducked ..

And then I yelled, “High-YAH!”

I digress!

(Sorry .. I was going off on a random, “what if” tangent.)

Anyway, I have to go now – I am going grocery shopping in a minute – but the point here is not that I am too sexy for my laptop today. The point here is that if you ever lose your shopping list – like I did today – just buy the essentials.

Like a $150,000 dress. And milk and OREOs.

GOOD TIMES! GREAT VIBRATIONS!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver – Good morning, everybody! I hope you had a great and safe week. This past week revealed lots about Americans in general, like .. everybody wants to be a victim! Want your political message spread around? Become a victim! Want to be idolized? Become a victim! Want to become famous and wealthy? Become a victim!

I am not kidding you!

Anyway .. this week’s College Football: Early Saturday Morning Rankings reflects the fact the Big XII and Mountain West Conferences are currently dominating the college scene. Other conferences, such as the one that Florida belongs to, no longer exist – that is why the BCS was created for schools like Florida.

1.    Alabama (7-0) – Surprisingly, a few of the Green Couch’s readers mistakenly believe Texas should be #1. Here’s one site that said Alabama is better than Texas – so there! Upset possibilities lurk for the Tide today in Tennessee, though.
2.    Texas (7-0) – The Shorthorns face mighty and undefeated #4 Oklahoma State today in Austin, which bodes well for head coach “Big” Mac Brown as he tries to steer his steers past the Cowboys. Bad joke. Bad pun not intended. Upset possibilities lurk for the ShortSteers today.
3.    Penn State (8-0) – Earlier this year, 81-year-old head coach PapaJoe demonstrated how to kick a 70-yard punt and a 70-yard field goal – at the same time! Sadly, PapaJoe also hurt his hip and knee. Ohiostate Sucks U comes to town, and yet PapaJoe’s hip and knee will prevail.
4.    Oklahoma State (7-0) – Oklahoma State is a team nobody knows anything about, except that it plays in the Big XII (“twelve” and “2+10” for you people who think Texas is numero uno). Also, everybody knows that the Orange Cowboys will win today in Austin.
5.    Texas Tech (7-0) – The Red Raiders begin their own Big XII title chase with a game at Kansas and will discover that it is possible to score 300 points against a team without a defense.
6.    Utah (8-0) – The Utes are off this week but face the New Mexico Lobos next week. Bad news for Albuquerque and head coach Rocky Long. Oh well. There’s still next year, ya’know?
7.    Boise State (7-0) – Last night, the Broncos conquered San Jose State. Next week, Boise State faces the New Mexico State University Aggies, where the New Mexico State University Aggies will crush the Broncos. Yah, right.
8.    Ball State (7-0) – I know, I know, I know – marketing whizzes have degrees from BS U. The Cardinals will finish the season undefeated and then they will crush Texas in the Sun Bowl held in El Paso, Texas.
9.    Tulsa (7-0) – The Golden Hurricanes are averaging 500 points a game and face a team that has no offense – only a defense. Tulsa will win and finish the year undefeated and then crush Ohiostate Sucks U in the Alamo Bowl.
10.    Oklahoma (6-1) – The Sooners travel to Manhattan to play a Kansas State defense that fled south for the winter. Expect Oklahoma to score 70 points per quarter today, too.
11.    Florida (5-1)Fl – Urban Meyer. Steve Spurrier. Urban Meyer. What do they have in common? Beating Kentucky. The Gators’ 21-game winning streak against Kentucky will continue today at the Swamp.
12.    USC (5-1) – In six games this year, the Trojans have allowed a total of 47 points, with more than half coming during a 27-21 loss at Oregon State. Unfortunately for Arizona fans, USC is spoiling to crash this year’s BCS party as a one-loss team and will crush the Wildcats in Tucson today.
13.    Georgia (6-1) – The Bulldogs were touted as an early season favorite to win the national championship but a loss to Alabama earlier this season derailed that freight train. By tomorrow (Sunday) morning, LSU will remind Georgia fans of what it’s like to be unworthy of national championship hopes.
14.    LSU (5-1) – To get back into national championship hopes, the Tigers have to win out the remainder of their games, which includes a date with #13 Georgia today and against #1 Alabama in two weeks.
15.    South Florida (6-1) – The Special School for Special Students in South Florida has found itself in this week’s rankings. Not surprisingly, the team mascot – Bulls – proves one thing: hot, blonde chicks rule in South Florida.
16.    TCU (7-1) – TCU boasts the top-ranked defense in the country and plays today against a Wyoming squad that scores a point a month. This means TCU will win by dribbling the ball down court, juking and diving, and launching 3-pointers from beyond the arc to score 100 points – all on defense.
17.    BYU (6-1) – The Cougers’ national championship hopes were dashed by a stingy TCU defense last week. For the Mormon-based offense to score points, BYU needs to convert more third-world citizens into becoming Mormons in passing situations. I digress!
18.    Pitt (5-1) – Since losing their first game of the year, the Panthers have not lost. Pitt faces Rutgers today in a pivotal game. In fact, Pitt will crush Rutgers in a hotly debated contest. I guarantee.
19.    Air Force ( 29-2) – The Falcons crushed the New Mexico Lobos earlier this week and I went to the game. Unfortunately, the Lobos and I also suffered a severe case of Methane Poisoning – too many hot dogs, nachos and jalepenos, and fumbles returned for touchdowns.
20.    Paotie’s Green Couch Reader (Undefeated) – A favorite reader of the Green Couch suggested expanding the Rankings to the Top 25, which is common on many ranking sites. Once upon a time, there was only a Top 10. Then it became Top 15. Then Top 20. Then Top 25. Where does it end?

RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW!

HaHa!

Paotie’s Saturday Upset Special:

#4 Oklahoma State vs #2 Texas – Texas is overrated. Way, way, way overrated. Far, far, far, far way too overrated. Still, as much as I point that fact out to the Green Couch readers, one thing remains true: Oklahoma State will crush Texas today. Texas 44-42 (25 OTs)

Halloween vs Thanksgiving – Halloween has the best parties, especially when hot, blonde chicks wear bunny outfits and serve alcoholic beverages. Thanksgiving has the better food and people but also tends to cause excessive drowsiness, especially after halftime. Halloween 33-21

See you later, gators ..

Paotie

Denver – Good morning, everybody! I hope you had a great and safe weekend. First! I am deaf! Second, I watched Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live on Saturday night! Third, I am deaf and also a speech (face) reader! And! Plus! Sarah Palin has the sexiest tongue-in-cheek-roll I have ever seen!

I am not kidding you!

Anyway .. CNN reports that the presidential election is “tightening” with just weeks left before the 2008 Presidential Election takes place. And! Plus! John McCain spent the weekend trying not to appear like an uptight, white man – like a GOP – and stood by as Palin called Barack Obama a socialist.

And now, people are worried about name-calling? Something to do with stupidity, ignorance and voter intelligence, eh?

Lemme tell ya’ll a story:

Once upon a time – about a month ago – I went swimming at a local gym. The pool I swam in was the smallest of four, cascading pools connected through underground PVC pipes; two were specifically for children, and one was a large wading pool for infants.

So there I was, sitting in the adults-only pool, reading a book when a hot, blonde chick came over and told me something about how I needed to get out of the pool because “some kid threw up” in one of the kiddos’ pools and something else about the water being contaminated.

We shared a chuckled, got out of the pool and then went back to our chairs by the pool, and after about fifteen minutes, a lifeguard came over and told everyone that the pool was again open for swimming. An older man in nastily tight Speedos quickly jumped in and began doing laps in one of the two lanes set on the side of the pool for lap swimming.

I was going to dive back into the pool to cool off but the thought of sharing space with a maniacal old man had compelled me to sit at the edge of the pool instead, where I eventually became immersed in a sweaty novel. As the day wore on, I endlessly repeated the in/out cycle commonly associated with “lounging by the pool.”

A couple hours later, another woman approached me while I sat by the pool and told me that we had to get out of the pool immediately. “Another kid threw up” she had said. We shared a chuckle and then exchanged names and went to our respective chairs by the pool.

Later, I went and ordered lunch at the outdoor snack bar, where a million kids were running about and amok. I saw lots of kiddos ordering food like hamburgers, chili cheese dogs, pizza and potato chips – the usual junk food.

Soda pop and ice cream bars/cones/candies were also bought in bulk.

And then the kiddos would excitedly eat their food! And they they’d excitedly eat somebody else’s food! And they they’d excitedly jump into the water with tummies full!

When it came my turn to order, I ordered bottled water and some fruit and went back to my chair by the pool, where I ate and resumed reading for a while. When I got hot again, I jumped back into the pool and ended up talking to a Christian woman after she had asked about one of my tattoos.

Twenty minutes later, the Christian woman told me that the public service announcer had announced that the pools were again closed – another kid had vomited – and that we had to get out of the pool for a little while. I decided then that I’d had enough, so I toweled off and got my things before walking towards the men’s locker rooms.

As I passed the main and largest of the kiddie pools, I saw a little boy – not more than three years old – stagger out of the water like a drunkard on a Friday night with his diaper sagging at his ankles. And as he struggled mightily under the strain of a waterlogged diaper, he smiled and laughed and groggily walked to the lounge area where the diaper finally fell – after leaving a dirty trail of deposits.

And then the boy’s mother yelled to me, “My son! He has pooped in the water! Yes! Watch your step! My son! He has pooped in the water!”

Imagine the pool being the voting public. Imagine Pooping Moms to be like Republicans; imagine PukeFest Moms to be like Democrats. We’ll leave the kiddos out of this, so what are we left with?

The media.

Anyway, I have to go now – I need to get to the store before the fog gets worse – but the point here is not that the American media produces too much regurgitated crap these days, especially with all the “reporting by polls” that has become popular within the media.

The point here is that CNN’s poll might be right after all: hockey/soccer moms are highly overrated.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie