Denver – Good morning, everybody! I hope you had a safe and great Friday night. Today, I want to talk about college football. It is a sport in which college men play football, and strangely, the ball rarely touches the foots of men. Futbol, on the other hand, says exactly what the sport is about: rioting and drunken European crowds.

So, for those of you who are college football fans, here is the first Paotie’s Green Couch Top 20 college football teams this week, along with a brief description of how the team is doing so far into 2008’s college football edition:

1. USC (2-0) – The mighty Trojans have opened up this year with lots of spankings, namely last week’s 793-0 shellacking of Ohiostate Sucks U. For you Buckeye fans – please, I know a single injury caused that game to be blown out early. Meanwhile, waterboy auditions are being held somewhere in OSU country.
2. Oklahoma (3-0) – The sooner the Sooners get through the Big 12 undefeated, the sooner the Sooners will be playing USC for the national championship. Ahh. That probably will not happen given the Sooners’ Big 12 conference schedule (I live in Colorado ya’ll.)
3. Georgia (3-0) – While Georgia has been on everbody’s mind this year, the only thing I can remember about Georgia is the fact Herschel Walker used to play for the Bulldogs. Other than that, about the only thing I care to think of regarding Georgia is the fact Matt Hamill lost his fight against Rich Franklin. Terrible – Hamill was winning that fight, all ya’ll!
4. Florida (2-0) – Florida. Florida. Florida. Urban Meyer. Urban Meyer.  Before most of the country knew who Urban Meyer was, I knew who he was. In fact, everybody in the Mountain West Conference knew who he was, too. As usual, the Gators are off to a .. start.
5. Missouri (3-0) – The Tigers have been playing solidly over the past few years and seem to improve each year. Lots, too. Like Oklahoma, the Tigers are in the Big 12 conference and whomever escapes from the Big 12 will likely get a shot at USC.
6. LSU (2-0) – They are also called “Tigers.” They haven’t lost yet, either.
7. Texas (2-0) – They are called “Longhorns.” They haven’t lost yet, either.
8. Wisconsin (3-0) – They are called “Badgers” and they also have not lost yet, either.
9. Alabama (3-0) – Undefeated, too. Geesh! Everybody’s undefeated this early into the season!
10. Auburn – (3-0) – See above.
11. Texas Tech (3-0) – Actually, and at the risk of my health, I have to confess something about the Red Raiders: I like ‘em more than the Colorado Buffaloes. For one thing, the Red Raiders score LOTS! And another thing, I am from New Mexico. That’s enough said.
12. BYU (3-0) – Did I already mention that I was from New Mexico? The Cougars are making the case that the Mountain West Conference just might be better than the Big East. Why not? The Big East has turned into the Big Easy this year. After BYU’s 1,328-0 pounding of UCLA last week, anything’s possible.
13. South Florida (3-0) – The Special Students School of south Florida is again undefeated at the start of the year. Honestly, I like South Florida: hot chicks live there.
14. Penn State (3-0) – Papa Joe, please get a Pope-mobile. Last year, Papa Joe fell and broke a few bones but bounced right back up. Not bad for an 80-plus-year-old coach. Awesome.
15. East Carolina (3-0) – Undefeated.
16. Wake Forest (3-0) – Ahh. Finally a sport the Demon Deacons are better at than Duke University. Nice, actually.
17. Utah (3-0) – Every so often, the New Mexico Lobos will burst the Utes’ post-season hopes. Both play in the MWC as does BYU. And Urban Meyer used to coach the Utes. Connections. Connections. What do they mean? More on that later .. some other time.
18. Oregon (3-0) – I do not know much about Oregon, other than the fact Mt. Hood is in that state. Green and yellow uniforms make for an interesting mascot: ducks. And I think that is visually .. cool.
19. Florida State (2-0) – I know some of you college football pundits believe the Seminoles to be overrated -  and I agree. But the way I figure, FSU is ranked higher than Ohiostate Sucks U because the Buckeyes were spanked silly by USC. Ain’t no reason for Ohiostate Sucks U to be ranked at all, all ya’ll.
20. Air Force (3-0) – A laugher of a pick, yes, I know. Those of you who take your college picks deadly serious, I understand. May the Force be with you. Say what you want about the Falcons but there is one fact that remains: I live in Colorado, all ya’ll.

Paotie’s Picks today:

• Troy vs Ohio State – Ohiostate Sucks U might not lose this game but the last time the Buckeyes played a team related to “Troy” as in “Trojans”, they looked pathetic. OSU by 14.

• No. 9. Alabama vs Arkansas – Alabama by 4,000.

• No. 6 LSU vs No. 10 Auburn – I guarantee the Tigers will win.

Upset Special: No. 17 Utah vs No. 20 Air Force – Either the local press has me believing the hype about the Force or I am silly for predicting the Falcons to pull off an upset. But if there is one thing about the military that the Air Force epitomizes, it is the ground attack. Falcons 43-42 (12 OTs).

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver – Good evening, everybody! I hope the week went by fast for you. As many of you know, the occasional fart-joke erupts ‘round here. And as many of you readers also know, some people are invariably offended at some point in time – like 54% of most people who are Republicans!

Pot-bellied wizards farting in tubs – I am not kidding!

Anyway, here is a video that nicely explains “What is comedy?”

See you later, gators ..

Paotie

Denver – Good morning, everybody! I am on my way out the door for the rest of today, but I thought to leave something for all ya’ll. It involves stealthy stalking! Something appears to move effortlessly and without actually moving! And the video you are about to see made me spew my morning milk and cereal all ovah my computer screen!

Fat Buddhas farting in a tub – I am not kidding!

HaHa!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie