Denver – Good morning, everybody! I hope you had a great and safe Friday night. I watched the entire 2008 Presidential Election debate last night between Barack Obama and John McCain. I was shocked at what I saw! I was floored at the blatant-ness of it all:  John McCain would not look at Mr. Obama! And! Plus! I have never seen a white politician be more color-blind in my life!

I am not kidding you!

HaHa!

Anyway .. last week’s College Football: Early Saturday Morning Rankings went over real, real, real well. So, I decided to do another edition this week since the University of Shallow Chicks (USC) lost to Oregon State on Thursday night.

When Trojans and Beavers get together, exciting things happen! Zones are penetrated! Butts are slapped! Spit, sweat and tears are constantly swapped.

Fantabulous!

So, for those of you who are college football fans, here is this week’s Green Couch Top 20 college football teams ranking, along with a brief description of how the team is doing so far in 2008:

1.    Georgia (2-0) – Last week, the Bulldawgs bulldozed their way over a bullied and beaten Central Michigan team. Big surprise. Today, ‘Bama comes to town and will not be so easily pushed around.
2.    Oklahoma (3-0) – Every September, it is great to be in Sooner Nation. Every January, it sucks to be in Sooner Nation. Will this year be an exception? Good luck figuring that one out.
3.    Florida (3-0) – The Gators ran and galloped roughshod over the Tennessee Creamsicles last week. Gawrsh! Urban Meyer has so much to whine about these days.
4.    LSU (3-0) – The Tigers beat the Tigers last week! What an exciting game! Hoo-Rah! The LSU Train continues steamrolling this week against Mississippi State.
5.    Missouri (4-0) – Quarterback Chase Daniels has his Tigers rollin’ and rollin’ on the river. Poor Nebraska. Missouri looks good this year. Really good. Poor Nebraska. Really.
6.    Alabama (4-0) – The Rolling Tide. I am from New Mexico. I lived in the desert and the only seas I saw were of brown. I cannot fathom what the heck a “rolling tide” is though Google beckons and I resist. I just like the way “rolling tide” rolls off the tongue of hot blond southern belles.
7.    Texas (3-0) – Texas. Texas. Texas. I despise their brown uniforms. I am sorry to say that. But! I do like Mack Brown – the Longhorn’s coach – because every year, his team plays just like Oklahoma: good in the beginning and suckie towards the end.
8.    Wisconsin (3-0) – Any other year, the Badgers would be heavy underdogs against Michigan in Ann Arbor. But the Wolverines – saddled with the weight of coach Rich Rodriguez’s $200 million contract – are off to a terrible start, and that bodes well for cheeseheads in Wisconsin.
9.    Texas Tech (4-0) – I love the Red Raiders’ scoring offense. One of these days, they will have a solid defense that will push them into the Top Five. I hope today is one of those days.
10.    Penn State (4-0) – The Nittany Lions are undefeated. Coach Papa Joe is 80-something and recently announced that he would live to be 200 and coach until his contract expires in 2050.
11.    BYU (4-0) – Fortunately, the Cougers do not play my Lobos of Nuevo Mexico (pronounced, “Lo-Bos of New-weav-ho Meh-He-Ho” to people with non-functioning ears and cochleas) (do not take my word for it) this week. WHEW!
12.    Utah (4-0) – Last week, the Utes narrowly escaped Air Force with a win. This week, the competition is easier and unknown. Next week, they play the Beavers of Oregon State. Fantabulous!
13.    Boise State (4-0) – They beat the Ducks of Oregon last week. Mighty fine shootin’, I should say.  Boise State. The biggest little school you never heard of in college football.
14.    Wake Forest (3-0) – They’re still better at one sport than Duke. Nice! Good. Keep it that way. Please.
15.    Texas Christian (4-0) – Suddenly, everyone wants to know why the Mountain West Conference is so good this year. Here’s one reason: New Mexico. All the ranked teams from the MWC have lots in common with New Mexico. Even Urban Meyer will admit that – and he’s at Florida.
16.    Colorado (3-0) – Hawkins & Son are doing good stuffs at the prettiest college campus in all of America.  The Buffaloes play suddenly inept Florida State today. Who has the hottest cheerleaders? Stay tuned ..
17.    Vanderbilt (4-0) – The Commodores are slicing and dicing their way around this season. What the hell is a commodore, anyway? A band? Yup. Pretty good, so I am told.
18.    University of Southern California (2-1) – I know many of you college football pundits will disagree violently with me on this. Please know that I am a USC fan, too. Still, they lost to the Beavers. C’mon, man. And they play the Ducks next week. Losing to Beavers and Ducks will not look good in Hollywood, dudes!
19.    South Florida (4-0) – The Special Students School of South Florida is once again moving up the polls. Both Miami and Florida State are having terrible years, which bodes well for the men in green tights.
20.    Air Force (3-1) – Okay, so they lost to Utah last week at home. So what? Coach Troy Calhoun has his troops ready to play every week.  But not this week – the Falcons have a bye week.

Paotie’s Saturday Upset Specials:

#4 Alabama Rolling Tide vs #1 Georgia Bulldawgs – Rollin’ rivers against slobberin’ canines. Pretty simple, really. Alabama 48-47.

#15 TCU Horned Frogs vs #2 Oklahoma Sooners – A couple years ago, TCU spanked and shocked the Sooners at home in a tight and defensive battle! Could that happen this year, too? Sho’nuff! TCU 1-0.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver – Good afternoon, everybody! I hope your week has been going well. I want to take a moment to announce to you readers that I – Paotie – visited the Elect-Obama Barack office in Manitou Springs recently. In fact, I went with the girls and saw four white men standing ‘round outside, smoking weed and talkin’ politics!

And then Sarah Palin said, “Thank Gawd I am a Republican!”

And then I said, “Wait until you get high – then you’ll turn into a Democrat!”

HaHa!

I’m just messin’ with all ya’ll. Can ya’dig it, ya’know what I’m sayin’?

Anyway .. and in light of the fact that it finally appears that the 2008 Presidential Election has turned into a comedy of horrors, I want to talk a little bit about .. ROLLER DERBIES! They rule!

I recently went to a roller derby and I was not disappointed! Bodies went flying everywhere! Tattoos were advertised endlessly! Spikes and weird metal thingies protruded from LOTS of people in the audience!

And then when it was time, I stood up before everyone else in the audience and declared:

LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!

“Duuuude? They’re about to play the national anthem.”

“WTF? FTS!”

So .. the girls and I had gotten to the gym early and watched the teams warm up as fans slowly trickled in. By the time the first game rolled around an hour later, the building looked more than half-full.

There was a buzz, an energy that radiated from the audience. In many ways, I felt a sense of excitement and wonder about the sport of roller derby itself. I had no idea what to expect – other than what the teams had “practiced” on the court during warm ups – and I was also a little confused about the rules of the game.

Each team has three blockers, a pivot and a jammer. In flat-track roller derby, the blockers are like offensive linemen in football: their job is to smack the crap outta the other team – without using their hands! Roller derby has the most violent “accidental” shoulder nudges in any sport!

Wild fans caused cascading cheers to flow whenever Dirty Pirate Hooker and Fanny Fister knocked each other down!! And! Plus!  When the Swiss Missile and the Toole of Torture got entangled together, the fans in the building rose to cheer in uproarious approval!

I was impressed! I do not really remember the final scores but I want to let you know that URRK’N’JERK’N AS BOOTY BLOCK YA was fast! Daaaaaaamn! Get a woman who can roller skate like an Olympic ice skater, slap some wheels and pads on her, and let her zip ‘round and ‘round super fast – that’s her!

The Pikes Peak Derby Dames’ All-Stars were freakin’ awesome! In fact, they actually wore green uniforms! And a few even wore pink, too! Most of all, everyone associated with the event was very nice to us.

Anyway, I need to go now – I am going skateboarding while there is still light out – but the point of today’s article is not that roller derby is a legitimate sport. The point here is that I am hooked on roller derby, especially when there are coaches named the following:

Old Derby Bastard
Strange Wayz
Dick Derby
Mad Daddy Mo
Uncle Craig
Muff Diver MacGyver

Fantabulous!

HaHa!

Paotie’s Postscript: For those of you in the Colorado Springs area, the Pikes Peak Derby Dames will have a send-off party and fundraiser this Friday night – click here for more information.

Also, if you are thinking about or wanting to join the team, they do have occasional tryouts/recruitment nights and the next one will be November 3rd.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver – Good afternoon, everybody! I hope you had a great weekend. I did! I went outside. And then I came back inside for a drink of lemonade. Then I went back outside. I smelled smoke and sniffed the air. Then I went back inside. And then I sniffed the air, and again, I smelled smoke. So I went back outside and sniffed the air one more time and realized something: we are now the United States of France!

Gentle goblins fartin’ in tubs – I am not kidding!

Anyway .. today, I want to talk about automobile racing, or more precisely, NASCAR. In the ultimate of ultimate ultimates, NASCAR represents acronyms gone wild. In fact, if you watch television like a good trailer park denizen, you will pay careful attention to the sponsors that every driver mentions during interviews.

Sponsors drive NASCAR – pun variably intended. So, for example, Oral I. Titus’ primary sponsor is a home repair organization and a typical, well-thought out answer to a typical racing question would be something like:

“Gawrsh! The number four Home Riot Repair and Drink Cheap Beer and Penis Erection Enhancement Ford has been running real, real well. And the Garage Door Replacement crew has been doin’ real, real well this week, too.”

And! Plus! Ever since I can remember, CB radios were fascinating to me – especially as a deaf boy. I mean, I always thought it was the greatest thing to be able to declare the famous words “Ten-Four, Breaker-One-Niner” over a CB radio to truckers, travelers and illegal immigrants on the highways of America.

Good times! Great vibrations!

I digressed – sorry.

What I mean to say is that sometimes, I become a little too engrossed in watching NASCAR. Like .. the girls were a bit peeved yesterday during the race because I started talking as if I was racing in circles.

“Dude, do you want some nachos?”

“TEN-FOUR!”

“Iced tea, too?”

“ROGER THAT!”

“You’re weird.”

“Pit now or on lap 420?! TEN-FOUR!”

In NASCAR, the most popular driver is Dale Earnhardt, Jr. I am also told that his last name is pronounced, “Earn-It-Harded” though I do not suggest you take my word for it.  Mr. Junior, as he is known in racing circles, drives a green and white car.

Speaking of green cars, Kyle Busch is NASCAR’s reigning “bad boy.” A bad boy in NASCAR is pretty much anyone who does not go into seizures of toothless laughter whenever someone says, “Liquor in the front; poker in the rear.”

Deaf Experts fartin’ in tubs – I am not kidding!

Ruckus aside, I want to be serious for a moment – Tony Stewart is NUMERO UNO! That is NUMBER ONE to those of you Spanish-illiterate. Mr. Stewart drives an orange vehicle with a large white “20” painted on each door.  In fact, Mr. Stewart does not actually have any doors on his car – he merely does the Bo Duke Move by jumping into his seat.

Just’a good ol’ boys
Never meanin’ no harm.
Beats all you never saw
Been in trouble with the law
Since the day they was born

Mr. Earnhardt and Mr. Stewart are both in what is known as “The Chase for the Championship Because A Really Long Season Was Not Enough to Decide A Champ.” In fact, the final ten races of the year are solely devoted to creating intense drama within the series after a long and grinding season.

By the end of the Chase, a new series champion will be crowned and a check for $105 million will given to the winner, though taxes will take off roughly 48% of a quarter of that. Plus a hot blond trophy chick will give the winner LOTS of kisses – for photography purposes.

Of course! Fantabulous!

HaHa!

Makin’ their way
The only way they know how
That’s just a little bit more
Than the law will allow.

Anyway, I have to go now – I am taking my old truck out for a spin while the weather’s still good – but the point of today’s article is not that the General Lee was a really neat car. The point here is that I wish I was racing in NASCAR.

Good times! Great vibrations!

TEN-FOUR! OVER AND OUT!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie