Denver – Good evening, everybody! I hope you have been doing well. I have been busy combating Snails that Slime Across the Sidewalk because they are angry! They are outraged! And they are appalled because Deaf Experts around the country have suddenly declared the NAD’s acronym really means, National Audists of the Deaf!
I am not kidding you!
HaHa!
I’m just messin’ with all ya’ll. Can ya dig it? Ya’know what I’m sayin’?
Anyway .. before we get to the meat of tonight’s article, I just wanted to mention the fact that I recently ate an ostrich burger. I had never eaten an ostrich before and the mere thought of eating such an ugly bird was always and forever unappealing.
But! I was super-duper hungry, all ya’ll!
I thought it would be cool to try something different like the ostrich burger but because I was so hungry, a buffalo burger sounded just as good. I hemmed and hawed a good bit and eventually – after about three seconds – decided to let the server decide for me.
Lingering questions are not my style!
The server, who was a short female with short brunette hair and a nicely filled-out body, let me use her pen and a white strip of paper to ask her which piece of meat she recommended. We passed notes along and then she ensured me that the ostrich burger was better – because it was leaner than buffalo.
So, I ate an ostrich patty. It was okay though it took lots of effort to refrain from regurgitating like a mother-bird during a feeding frenzy. It tasted like chewy chicken – I did not find the ostrich to be particularly pleasing to my palate – and to distract myself as I ate, I began looking around the restaurant, reading people’s lips.
I am deaf. And a lip-reader.
Aigh’t?
What I mean to say is that I naturally began to spy on people by reading their lips.
I had earlier noticed two women walking past my table as they made their way around the many, two-seater tables dotting the restaurant. The thing that had caught my eye was the way one of the women seemed to stumble along like a drunken sailor on R&R in a Bangkok discotheque.
I thought the stumbling, blond woman had a broken high-heel or something and then I thought maybe she was drunk since it was early in the evening. I also wondered if she was anorexic or all of the above. And then I settled on the possibility that she was most likely a Republican.
I digress!
The long of it short is that the two women went outside. One was angry and the other twitched around lots. They each smoked a cigarette. The angry woman yelled some more. Then they tossed their cigarettes and walked back inside. And the woozy-floozy blond woman bumbled along again, searching blindly for imaginary poles of support as she barely made it back to her table.
When both women sat down, the angry woman declared, “I am sick and tired of this!”
I had blinked, afraid to miss what would happen next as the woman continued. “Shut your mouth! Leslie! Shut your mouth! We go through this every time we go out!”
I had carefully sipped my iced tea.
“You better call your mother. Call her. Call her!”
That was about the time when I decided that it would be in my best interest for my eyes to move along: I did not want the angry woman yelling at me if she discovered that I had been staring at her a wee bit too long. In the past, when I had been caught reading people’s lips, they sometimes yelled things like, “What the fuck are you looking at?!”
Geesh!
So .. here are some of the other, random conversations that I recorded on my laptop in between bites of my ostrich burger at the restaurant/bar:
Female margarita-drinker to her beer-drinking female buddy: “We’re gonna be the BOMB!”
Boy and Girl sit at table: Girl says, “Fine. You have all my attention. Nobody exists but you. Are you happy now? Can I look at the TV? Huh?”
Four Hot Chicks at a table: a Hot Blond Chick says, “.. guys are such perverts! HaHa! Always throwing money at us! HaHa! Strippers Unite! HaHa!”
“Leslie! Shut the fuck up! Call your mom!”
“.. she’s being a bitch, man. But, this other chick I met yesterday? She is the BOMB. ”
“Jim – you are quite long.”
“Why do you keep looking at that deaf guy?”
“Ugh. Those horses outside smell like .. shite! HaHa! I said ‘shite’ and not ‘crap!’ HaHa!”
“Here’s your change. Please come again.”
“I’m not looking at him! Stop being so paranoid”
” .. wORd! .. ”
“Call your mom! Goddammit, Leslie!”
“Tim, did you feel anything when I accidentally slapped your ass on the 13th hole?”
“I wonder if that deaf guy knows Matt Hamill. He probably does.”
“Daaaaaamn! Look at that woman’s ass!”
“Leslie! Shut the fu- .. What the fuck are you looking at?!”
Anyway, I have to go now – I’m building a Snail Track made out of flypaper – but the point of tonight’s article is that if you are a lip-reader like me, public places are great spots for spying on people. And in the meantime, if you happen to get caught lip-reading, just play dumb – pretend you are a Deaf Expert from Deaf La-La Land!
HaHa!
Be good .. or be good at it.
Paotie
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