Denver – Good afternoon, everybody! I hope your days have been going well. Scientists in Greenland have discovered a shocking secret about American Sign Language! They have discovered that if you play ASL videos in reverse, you will find supremely subliminal inseminations of Satanic Sign Language flashing through your house!

HaHa!

I’m just messin’ with all ya’ll. Can ya dig it, ya’know what I’m sayin’?

Anyway .. today, we will talk about golf. Golf is an exciting sport to play. I mean, first of all, most people tend to think of golf as simply hitting a small, dimpled and white golf ball around a golf course. And they’d be right because the whole objective is to “put it in the hole!”

Male golfers around the world engage in golfing rituals every weekend – with other men. Golf man-dates typically involve foursomes of men who consistently talk about their crotches, grab their crotches and yodel to Riverdance.

Men like this also smoke extremely large (or thick) cigars – some of them uncut and some of them not – as they travel around golf courses in golf carts with their crotches leading the way. In fact, more often than not, you will see men who smoke cigars are also the type of men who brag about how “long” they are.

“Jim, did you see how long I am?” is a common question asked by men smoking cigars on golf courses. A common reply to that question is something like, “Tim – I did not see that. But, I felt it. Yes, you are quite long.”

Pink noses (in ASL) aside, most golfers like to brag about how many times they have “put it in the hole!” Keeping score consists of estimating the number of “strokes” a golfer takes to put a golf ball into a hole that sits somewhere on a putting green surrounded by the crotches of golfers.

“Tim, how many strokes did you have on the last hole?”

“Well, Jim – I believe it was around 11 but the score was really 4.”

“Ahh, Tim! Par.”

“Jim – are you saying you’ve had better?”

Anyway, when foursomes of men play rounds of golf together, they begin drinking alcohol in the parking lot of the golf course. Bottles of beer, hard liquor and illegal immigrants are smuggled into golf courses each day – all under the watchful eyes of golf course employees.

In fact, most golf courses have hot, blond chicks who wear short shorts and have creamy and tanned legs stretching to infinity called, “beverage chicks.” On a hot, summer Sunday afternoon, there is nothing more Christian-like than a drunken middle-aged man buying more beer from a hot, blond chick as he grabs his crotch.

‘Round and ‘round, the beverage chick will drive through the golf course, selling beer to drunken orgies of golfing man-daters. Every now and then, the wind will carry a conversation between two golfers’ crotches:

“The beverage chick – would you?”

“If I wasn’t married, I would. Would you, Tim?”

“I’ve had better.”

“Ahh, Tim! Par.”

Another interesting thing about many golfers is the fact they discuss words like “shafts” and “heads” with wanton abandonment. For example, most older golfers prefer “flexible” shafts; younger golfers like their shafts to be “stiff.”

In golf, size matters and the bigger your driver is, the more talked about your crotch will become. In fact, many male golfers pretend they have a flaccid ability to hit a golf ball into the stratosphere because of an “oversized head.”

Anyway, I have to go now – the point of today’s article is that golf is a sport in which men can safely measure their crotches against one another.

I am not kidding you!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie