Denver – Good evening, everybody! I hope you had a safe and great Easter holiday weekend! I bet some of all ya’ll spent time with your families and had great and hearty meals. I am also pretty sure a lot of you went to church and did what church-going people do best: judge!
HaHa!
I’m just kidding with all ya’ll.
Anyway, last week, we went to dinner at a fancy restaurant. It is a fancy restaurant because Paotie sweats in constant fear that the waitress will return with his credit card and ask, “SIR? YOUR CREDIT CARD HAS BEEN DECLINED.”
Great food lured us from across town to the restaurant, which we’d been to many times before. In fact, I always order the same special: buffalo steak and fries (big and greasy fries – just the way I like it), with iced tea and lemon.
As we sat at our table in the tightly-packed restaurant, my eyes scanned all around the restaurant. Everywhere I looked, I saw people scurrying about: some were servers; some were hostesses desperately trying to look overwhelmed; and a few were the occasional “I have got to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW!” people making mad dashes to the bathrooms.
And speaking of bathrooms, ya’know, like, some people should really just go to the bathroom when they need to do some kind of .. bodily function. And I am not talking about flatulently farting in public, either!
I’m talking about people picking their noses!
I had noticed a couple sitting at a table near the front of the restaurant when we first sat at our table. The man was a white, black-haired and professional dude, sans tie. “Sans” means, “a cool, italicized word!”
I am not kidding you!
His date, well .. I sure hope the woman wasn’t his wife, if ya’know what I’m sayin’. I mean, she was the pretty-looking type: she had blond hair and looked to be primp and proper as if she came straight out of a Leave it to Beaver episode. She sat quite erect and I won’t say more about her pink sweater, other than the fact she seemed quite cold.
Aigh’t?
I pretended to innocently look around the restaurant from time to time because I didn’t want to be too conspicuous about the fact that I can read lips and that I also have a bad habit of people-watching in public. I stare a wee bit too much, which sometimes causes people to become quite angry with me and say things like, “What the fuck are you lookin’ at!?”
So .. the guy talked about how some dude at work was a sonofabitch and that someone else needed an “ass-kicking” or some such stuff like that. And while he talked, I also noticed the woman seemed to have felt a stiff breeze or draft enter the restaurant. A chill spread down my spine.
I watched the guy talk a bit more, and then clear out of the blue, he took a massive finger and shoved it sky-high up his nose! And then did the Twist! And then resumed talking as if nothing had happened!
I blinked, and then I thought I had imagined it because it had looked pretty damn grotesque to witness. As I rubbed my eyes, I decided to give him another chance – maybe my eyes had played tricks on me.
And then he GOUGED his nose once again!
I was repulsed! I was astounded! And I laughed out loud!
I calmed down after I explained to the girls why I had laughed. Except that they were very obvious as they looked back to look at the same couple. I chastised the girls for being so nosy, and after a few fits of giggles, we moved on and talked about other things.
But, being deaf, I am visually addicted to certain things. I cannot help the fact that my eyes are easily swayed by beautiful, odd, unusual, bizarre and even disgusting things, people and their motions.
What I mean to say is that eventually, my eyes found the same couple again. And this time, the man was clearly animated, telling the woman some story about his doctor or something. I felt relieved to be quite honest with all ya’ll because I did not want to laugh out loud again – my tummy was full.
For a few minutes at least, everything was calm and cool. Until he POKED and PRODDED his nose! And then wiped his hand on the white linen cloth on the table!
I was outraged! I was appalled! I had to say something!
Well, before I get to what I said, let me explain something to my deaf friends who might not know: in restaurants packed full of people, there are Random Moments of Quiet that blanket entire restaurants. If a person sneezed in the bathroom at the far end of a restaurant during a Moment of Random Quiet, it would be heard all the way out to the bus stop across the street!
I am not kidding you!
Quiet Moments that are Random happen for no real reason. In a weird convergence of luck, fate and coincidence, all known activity ceases to make a sound within a 500-yard radius of an ongoing Random Moment of Quiet.
You could hear a fuzzy ball fall during a Quiet Random Moment.
I had no way of knowing that the Random Moment of Quiet would occur at the same moment when I declared, “WHAT THE FUCK!? THERE’S A DUDE PICKING HIS NOSE! DIS-GUST-ING!” Everybody inside the restaurant – including the dude at the bus stop outside – had clearly and plainly heard me.
And then people looked at me angrily! People were furious!
And all I could do was laugh. I mean, what could I do? Shout out that I was sorry for being so loud? I’m deaf – people sometimes yell at me when I tell them I’m deaf.
Besides, it’s not like we can plan for those Random Moments of Quiet, ya’know? They just happen, although I’ve got to admit it happens to me far too often than I’d like.
Anyway, the point of today’s article is not about deaf people like me being too loud, and even if we are, it is not our fault! We are deaf! We do not hear! Remember, some of you hearing people have probably YELLED at a deaf person. You know who you are. Don’t lie.
HaHa!
I’m just messin’ with all ya’ll, can ya dig it? Ya’know what I’m sayin’?
The point of today’s article is that nose-picking is not cool. Not cool in public! Let me rephrase this:
DO NOT PICK YOUR NOSE IN PUBLIC
Aigh’t?
Just go to the bathroom, okay? Especially during a Quiet Random Moment.
Be good .. or be good at it.
Paotie
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