Blarp! Uno, You Know! Blarp!
Denver – Hello, everybody! I hope you’re having a great week! Today’s article is about the fallaciously felonious and feral French fries I had last night! I picked up a take-out dinner that included lots of French fries, chili beans and cheese and also watched a documentary! Flatulently rife with federally-funded flea markets in Peru, I saw a National Geographic Channel special about .. dung beetles!
HaHa!
I’m just messin’ with all ya’ll! Can ya’ll dig it, ya’know what I’m sayin’?
I’m sorry I haven’t posted an article for nearly a week. I didn’t realize it had been that long! Life sometimes gets in the way of my blogging – but I avow to not wait so long in between future postings!
Today’s article has been inspired for you by Ben Vess! Mr. Vess is a great writer and thinker unto his own right and I commend him for launching his Bucket of Crabs web site. And to show support for his calls for the Deaf blogosphere to expand beyond constant Deafgasms about flies that land in people’s Deaf soup, I dedicate today’s article to Mr. Vess and the writers at Bucket of Crabs!
I spent a lot of time last week commuting on Interstate 25 (I-25) between Denver and Colorado Springs, and the road itself is a nightmare on the best of days. Amazingly enough – and unlike in New Mexico – Colorado has large, green signs that encourage people to report “aggressive or drunk drivers.” Included in the snitch-like subliminal messages is an 800 toll-free number for people to call whenever someone pisses them off!
On I-25, everybody thinks they’re driving in Europe! I swear to naughty, hot and sexy goddesses that this is true! People drive on the wrong side of the road! People think the slow lane on I-25 is on the left lane! WRONG!
It’s on the shoulder of the road!
As if that ain’t bad enough, within a few miles outside of Denver – heading south on I-25 – cars bunch up like NASCAR wannabe-racers! Old ladies driving with their heads barely peeking over the steering wheels are expert lead drafters! Lead drafters are people who go slower than everybody else! And they also love to sing disco songs with flappy dentures as they sing whilst they drive!
“Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother,
You’re stayin alive, stayin’ alive.
Feel the city breakin’ and ev’rybody shakin’
and we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, Stayin’ Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!”
But the main gripe I have with I-25 between Denver and Colorado Springs is the fact that the Snitch Signs do not give deaf/hard of hearing (HOH) people any options. I mean, we already know that that as soon as a cellphone rings, millions upon millions of hearing people immediately become The World’s Most Stupid Hearing Idiots Driving On the Wrong Side of the Road!
I am not kidding you!
In fact, one afternoon as I drove to Colorado Springs, there was a giant, blue pick-up truck that had been raised several feet high that drove slowly in front of me – in the left (fast) lane. And it was one of those trucks where super-sized, tractor-like tires had been installed to make the truck look like a Monster truck. It was HUGE! It was MASSIVE! The truck was also a Ford and required a frickin’ elevator to enter the cab!
And the driver looked awfully short, too!
Gawrsh!
Anyway .. so, in front of me was a Short Man with Big Issues on his cellphone; and in the right (slow) lane, was the Old Lady – the lead drafter – who held up traffic behind her for miles. I waited impatiently for the dude in front of me to speed up, or at least get the hell out of my way. In fact, there is a saying that I have that applies only to driving:
Either you lead, or you follow, or you get the hell outta my way!
I drove impatiently behind the dude, inching closer to his bumper in an effort to intimidate him out of my way. He did not speed up at all as he mindlessly continued to orally vomit into his cellphone! And then I noticed the Old Lady had slowed down again, too. Suddenly, there was a 300-mile-long-line-of-cars-behind-me with nothing but open road in front of the Short Man with Big Issues and the Old Lady!
The inhumanity of it all!
So I honked. Nada. I flashed my high beams at him – and again, nothing. I looked into the rear view-mirror and discovered people behind me were angrily flashing gangsta signs in my direction! I shouted my response into the rear-view mirror:
I am not the pheasant plucker,
I’m the pheasant plucker’s mate!
I am only plucking pheasants
‘Cos the pheasant plucker’s running late!
HaHa!
As people behind me continued to act like rappers hyped up on speed, I passed another of the giant green Snitch Signs and I wondered for a moment if it’d be worth dialing the number and at least shouting at whomever answered my call. I mean, I’m deaf – I’m not gonna be able to explain to anyone on the other line that there’s an idiot in front of me who is being audist because golly-goodlums! – a Stupid Hearing Idiot is having cellphone sex on I-25!
Something had to be done!
Through trial and error though, I have determined that the average stupid hearing person answers their cellphones in exactly 27 seconds after immediately recognizing that their cellphone rang – the first time! “Ohh, I see Sara has called! I am important! I will make her wait an extra twenty-six seconds! To remind her that I am most important! HaHa! Take that, Sara!”
So, I dialed the number from the Snitch Sign into my cellphone and waited.
I cleared my throat as I waited for the appropriate moment, and practiced in my mind what I would say. I realized that I would only have so much time to yell a monologue before the call was disconnected, so brevity was of utmost importance. When the timer on my cellphone indicated 27 seconds had elapsed since I first dialed the call, I spoke as loud and as clearly as I possibly could.
“COMO ESTA? EH? TU? NO SE HABLA EN LENGUA VISUAL AMERICANA? NO?! TU ERES MUY MALA!”
And then I realized that the Short Man with Big Issues kept looking into his rearview mirror – as if he were shocked people actually existed behind his truck! And then I also realized that perhaps he was afraid I had snitched on him, so I continued my fictionalized cellphone conversation in hopes of compelling him to speed up and get the hell outta my way.
“Stupido la gente non dovrebbe guidare. Si?” I said into my cellphone – making sure people in cars around me could clearly and plainly see me talking into the cellphone. “No. NO! Ou vous menez ou vous suivez ou vous sortez de mon chemin!”
HaHa!
Eventually, the Short Man with Big Issues sped up and moved to the right lane on I-25. As I caught up to him, he looked at me through dark sunglasses and continued talking on his cellphone. I smiled as I gently steered my truck closer towards his – to the point where my passenger-side mirror nearly touched the driver’s-side elevator on the Short Man with Big Issues’ truck.
He threw me the bird as he quickly grew smaller on my rear-view mirror. I laughed as I put my cellphone down and found clean, clear and open road as I continued my trip back to Colorado Springs.
Well .. you know, I guess the point here is that even though the green Snitch Signs are only for the millions upon millions of stupid hearing people who drive whilst talking on cellphones, we deaf/HOH people can find other ways around these obstacles to justice!
I LOVE PRETENDING TO TALK ON CELLPHONES WHILST I DRIVE!
As for you people who are The World’s Most Stupid Hearing Idiots Driving On the Wrong Side of the Road, and commute daily between Colorado Springs and Denver, try to remember what Paotie says about driving. In fact, I recommend all my deaf/HOH brothers and sisters to repeat after me:
Either you lead, or you follow, or you get the hell outta my way!
HaHa!
I know these things because I am the world’s greatest driver! And I always win those NASCAR-like runs on I-25, too!
All I need .. is my cellphone.
Be good .. or be good at it.
Paotie
Boy, you gave out another challenging article, fumbling my mind as usual ;o)
Trying to compare the I-25to DeafRead… full of aphorisms… So I tend to read a bit much into this article. Best that I wait for other commenters to respond ;o)
You lead? No? Okay, you follow then. No? All right, outta way! That I understand too well.
lol yeah, get out of the way works best! My version is “MOVE IT!”
Chicago is full of NASCAR drivers. Even during rush hour! I try to avoid it if I can when I cruise into Chicago from up north. Old ladies tend to drive in the far right, Monster Trucks tend to drive in the far left and NASCAR drivers darts in and out. And this Smart Candy tends to cruise right in the middle, darting right and left depending on who’s coming and going.
Hey! at or around or after 7:35 p.m. CST you can catch the last Lunar Eclipse until 2010.
Darn…..
I-25 reminds me of the yahoo live deaf chat that got into some traffic jams on the first day of grand opening. I was the KGB agent and watched the conversations among the people in the chat room. Trolls and goblins came into the chat room and terrified at them on the same night. What a bad luck charm Tayler already earned.
No privacy! That’s tough.
Stupid hearing idiot is having a cellphone sex on I-25? Well, perhaps, she/he is a teenie. Be careful with the predators. Save the teenie! Whip your head!
Anyway, here is Karen and Brian Mayes’ adorable son, David made a nicest comment about you in his blog. Be nice.
Here is http://dlmayes.wordpress.com/2008/02/16/a-blessing-or-a-curse
Enjoy!
Paotie, your cellphone “conversation” had me absolutely in stitches. I do believe that was the funniest thing I’ve read all day…thank you for the sunshine, dear!
Seattle has THE WORST traffic and I am so good at driving!! And good at talking my way out of tickets.
The best! But I don’t use a cell phone in the car. I think D/deaf drivers are bretter than everyone else because we see everything before everyone else does and we’re visual-spatially oriented, so we can zip in and out and between. I am restless in traffic. Very, very restless. I try hard to be patient, but it’s difficult when pumped full of coffee. I have tried to cut back since my hospital stay and I’m doing good with that. Trouble is, now that I’m not drinking coffee I’ve been spending lots of money– on clothes. Not good.
I thought you were going to blog about Uno the beagle. He’s adorable. I want a beagle now. And I would buy her little pink outfits.
Kim… try drinking green or white tea instead
) Puts you in a Zen mind…
My son David is still waiting for his blog to pop up on the DeafRead… one human editor said it would take a several days. But I will email again to inquire of the status of my son’s blog. Could be “outta way” to my son’s blog?
/
Uno, the beagle likes to bark! He’s the first beagle who won the biggest competition. Bow Wow!
Snoopy supposed to be there to throw the biggest honor on Uno!
Peppermint Patty is takin’ a good care of Uno.
P-
First of all, I’m pissed off, really effin pissed off that you made me wait a week for a blog, but you threw in some hot Italian, so it worked for me. Try adding old men in hats, teenagers sending text messages while riding motor scooters and frustrated mothers with kids attached to their twenty-five year old bikes to the equation and welcome to my world.
Weelllllllllllllllllllcoooooooooome back, smack. Jodi
*Laughing at the vision that Jodi created*… and don’t forget to mention that the vision be painted in pink in honor of Jodi’s latest blog about the color pink ;o)
Jodi *ALREADY* made your pinky day. “Make my day” by Clint Eastwood.
Wear your Ralph Lauren’s pinky polo shirt in honor of Jodi’s and make her day.
That big bad, jacked-up blue truck and the Little Man with Big Issues, ha! AG Bell, hmmm. And the Little Old Lady is NAD, hmmm.
And where is Uno in all this, you know? Where’s that champ dog?
Eh? Tu? *whistle* WOOF, WOOF! Uno leads the pack.
Finally my son’s blog is in the process of being subscribed, but due to its being submitted at a different time, it would show up on either 2nd or 3rd page of DeafRead :-/.
Okay, Paotie, mind if you gave us a hint or two of what your article above means? ;o)
Karen–Girl TALK (Paotie go away!) My version of PMS. It used to be at my time of month– just before it came I would go crazy on a shopping spree like clockwork. Later I’d return half the stuff after returning to sanity. Now that I’m menopausal, the hormonal fluctuations still happen and occasionally I get a real strong urge to shop. I had not shopped for months– not even over Christmas. But the past couple days I’ve been out of control. It has to be some sort of “gatherer” instinct kicking in. I’m not sure tea will help. I’m done now.
I don’t have time to chat, never have.
Well, hasn’t DR been like the I-25 lately? Some blogger starts a controversial article (leads), other bloggers pick up the refrain (follow with similar articles), and Paotie blows ‘em away (get the hell outta my way) with his satire.
Ann_C… I like your assessment of Paotie’s posting.
So does that mean your next posting would cover a few topics… such as non-violent militarism, having information to make necessary decisions on language, Marlee as one of the dancers? Or a tribute to Shelley Beattie… sadly, her name popped up last month on Fookem’s blog and a month later she died.
……and they are talking about the deaf’s new addiction chat in the yahoo’s livechat. I caught “Vex74″ having a sex in the deaf’s chat room and I definitely deleted it! Pfft! Such a low class and idiot. Remember I was the KGB agent.
\ /
\ /\ /
\/ \/ hatever.
Whoopee! *Rolling our eyes*
Foreign languages in first Spanish, next Italian, and last, French. The French is same as “Either you lead, or you follow…etc”. Italian is something like “Stupid people shouldn’t drive/lead. Yeah?” And the first line in Spanish is pretty evident. Interesting irony– asking if you speak American visual language (in Spanish)…
White Ghost, how do you follow the live chat without appearing on it? Stupid question, I know, but I haven’t even had time to do that even. OMG live chat sex– that outdoes Paotie’s Little Man with Big Issues’ cellphone sex! Ha!
Ann_C
It’s pretty simple….
here it is:
http://live.yahoo.com/deafread
then all you can watch. Do nothing…..That’s how I have been doing some s-p-y stuff.
Kim! Go away, Paotie?!?
He will *HAVE* to live with us if we become PMS.
Just checked out the live chatroom– Yikes! I can see how that would be very addictive and the wait line will get much longer as the day becomes night. Tonite you’d probably see chatters in their jammies and eating midnight snacks while glued to the screen. What else is new?
Oh… I am in PMS a big time now.
Ugh.
I have to watch the way I comment on the DeafRead now… ;o)
Kim… I left a few strong comments on CochlearImplantOnline.com. Ugh, one commenter is DENSE… he thinks he speaks up for poor CI children when the “poor” CI children are really happy and productive i their own lives, thanks to their parents’ involvement. He claims I twist his words… huh, me, twisting words? Hahahaha very funny. As most of you already know, I speak directly from my heart… untwisted.
Whatever.
Shopping is not my thing… If I shop, I’d shop at Barnes and Noble bookstore! ;o)
I just left several powerful statements on CochlearImplantOneline.com. The girl, Rachel is so dense! She needs to reduce her egotistically self-centered. Ugh, she’s a little-richy-bratty teeny and will have a lot to learn to be mature and respect for others’ needs.
Ugh. *shakes my head*
Since I work in a library I almost never buy new books. I can’t stand to, but I do browse B&N. I prefer used book stores for buying if I buy at all. We sell used at the library too cuz people donate and I get some good buys there. Will read your comments in a bit. I’m on my way to work.
I wish that the world would be all equal, accepting, happy, etc. But that would be a boring world to live in. So I guess having adversity (a nod acknowledging Mike’s latest vlog) is good.
Rachel is a wonderful, mature and passionate young woman with a voice that she has chosen to use to educate others regarding her experience. Sometimes people choose not to listen to what she has to say, but she is speaking from experience…her experience. And I really respect her. Jodi
20 years later, I go back and read my blog, oh my gawd! That is not me, I am *NOT* Rachel for doing this, I was only a teenie!
Lots of changes and grow up……
Life is such a treasure, Life changes.
Ahh .. finally!
Good to be at my blog again! YAY!!
Actually, White Ghost, I didn’t see anything about Rachel’s post that was “holier than thou” or anything. As the facts in the news article suggests, there was a communicational breakdown between an ASL Deaf girl and a hearing substitute driver.
Rachel can speak, therefore, she has oral skills. She is stating she is glad she can speak so that situation probably would not have happened to her.
Likewise, pen and paper would’ve sufficed, too. If I had produced a blog that said, “I would’ve written something on pen and paper to avoid the problem,” would that have have sparked an outcry of anger?
Besides, if one were inclined to promote bi/bi Deaf educational methods, then surely this incident would have highlighted why bi/bi education can be helpful – to avoid teenage Deaf girls from being stranded in torrential downpours due to a lack of ASL-to-English abilities.
That’s how it looks to me.
Paotie
Karen ..
Ahh .. well, this article has nothing to do with DeafRead.
In Colorado, you can dial an 800 number to report bad driving. Of course, to report bad driving whilst it happens means one has to call the 800 number whilst they drive. Some cities across the country outlaw cellphone usage whilst driving because it is a fact that people become stupid drivers when they talk on their cellphones.
So, the 800 number is a stupid idea. Imagine having to report an “aggressive driver” who is trying to follow another “aggressive driver” who is also trying to make a report using the same 800 number.
Stupid.
Secondly, we deaf/HOH people can’t really call an 800 number on our cellphones whilst we drive (well, I can’t, but that didn’t stop me from trying to call the 800 number, anyway). So, what can we do?
Pretend to use cellphones and drive like maniacs!
HaHa!
Paotie
Ohh!
SOME deaf/HOH .. not all won’t/can’t use cellphones whilst driving for obvious reasons.
Not, “we deaf/HOH.”
Just, “SOME.”
*laughs*
Paotie
I would SOOOOOO love to see how you handle the Garden State Parkway in Jersey. We have a whole flock of true ginny dude from New York rolling down in their big shiny cadillacs to go play the nickel machines in AC all the speed of 30mph on the parkway.
This is also the reason why I am so stinking late to getting to your post
I was stuck behind some old broad driving a mac truck, on a cell phone, and she just ran out of depends!! It was a mess, a real mess.
Great post Paotie
I hate the drive between here and The Springs. I-25 grows too small. Headed north out of Denver it’s wide open for quite a bit.
You better get in touch with me so we can have coffee. And by coffee, I mean coffee; nothing else.
I know, stupid isn’t it, the law where I live bans cell-phone usage while driving and yet there are these snitch signs on every freeway to report drunk drivers or car accidents, etc.
I still like to think of DR as this strange highway– what, ya didn’t like my analogy? Oh, well…DR traffic has been slow this week and live chat has drained some of the traffic to its site. That a good thing or what?
Paotie! I know, I know, I know.
That’s how the way the girly teenie is…..self-pride! That was I did when I was a teenie.
She compared herself and others, however, that was bad example. She will have a lot to learn. Making a mistake have taught us to grow for the better person.
Ann_C…..yeah, DR traffic on the livechat site has been dreadful. Tayler has received his bad luck charm. Nice try, Tayler.
Well, late teen’s or early twenty-something’s are usually full of themselves. Takes life like a career, marriage and kids (*gasp* major responsibilities) to knock them upside of their heads and realize that the world doesn’t revolve around them, that giving is as much a part of life as the taking.
Empathy is a part of “giving”, a willingness to understand that not everybody has the same exact experience of growing up d/Deaf and an acknowledgment that nobody’s perfect. And the substitute bus driver…who was hearing and angry/stupid enough to dump any kid, deaf or otherwise, on an unknown road in driving rain far from home was certainly not perfect. We’re human after all.
…and far from perfect.
This “kid dumping” happens all the time. Usually happens to vulnerable kids. Rachel’s view is just that, her ability to speak and hear enabled her to avoid similar scenerio as that 12 yr old girl we’ve read about.
Responsibility to ensure that kids don’t get forgotten or dumped lies with the adult responsible for kids on their bus!!! Nothing more.
That doesn’t mean every parent should get C.I. for their kids! It means parents should go over plan B with their kids or have a plan B somehow, should something like this ever happens.
I read about similar incidents in the papers fairly often and I’m sure it happens a lot more than what we see in the papers.
Not all parents think of a ‘plan B’…not debating you, Candy, I agree that parents who have primary responsibility for their kids should think of a plan B.
Problem is one can’t anticipate every kind of scenario that can happen. And what about the deaf child who cannot use a cell-phone in the event of an emergency? How does he/she who may be in an isolated part of town or in danger contact home/get hold of a parent at work so that he can get home safely?
Anne and Candy– Paotie’s right. Bibi ed would have prepared the girl for this type of emergency, so at least she could have written a note. While it’s true you can’t foresee everything that might happen, it’s the parents responsibility to grow independant and self-sufficient young adults who can think on their feet. This is the job of ALL parents whether their children are hearing or Deaf.
When I was nine, I lived in a new town 3000 miles from all I knew. My bus driver dropped me off two miles from home on a country road. My mom didn’t have a car and I didn’t have a cell phone. In those days kids had to solve their own problems because we lacked technology. I gulped back tears, fought panic and started walking. No I wasn’t deaf at that time. But I was a little kid alone in the middle of nowhere. Other little kids have disappeared in similar circumstances. I knew we lived near the water and the sun set on the water. It was late afternoon. Logic told me to walk toward the sun. In the end I learned I could trust my sense of direction better than I had realized. I was quite proud of myself when I walked through the front door.
Yes, Paotie has a point about Bi Bi education. Many d/Deaf people have different definitions of what Bi Bi means. Deaf people come to Bi Bi deaf schools, thinking it means “entirely ASL” schools only to find out that it does not mean 100% ASL… ASL is just used as a classroom lannguage and that any kids could sign differently, not having to follow ASL strictly (can speak, can use TC, etc.) That is why the ISD’s superintendent keeps emphasizing on three “acies”… signacy, literacy, and ORACY, which is more easy to accomplish, thanks to the advanced technology and medical advances nowadays.
Even I hear a story or two of bus leaving a kid behind (mostly at school.)
That is why I said on Rachel’s blog that it would be better to have a bus monitor to make sure that all children are accounted for.
White Ghost,
Yikes! Be careful what you say on the internet! You never know if I could come across your distasteful comments. I’m not taking your comments personally; however, you have the right to make an opinion.
Thanks to Jodi, Karen, and Paotie for your understanding and supportive comments.
Rachel!
Laughs!
Psst! You can call me B*tch all you want! You’ll love me for it!
Stay young, gal.
…..and I want my Orlando Bloom, The Lord of the Rings.