Denver – Today’s article is for Paotie’s Valentine. What an amazing woman! What a terrific friend! What a fantastic human being she is, too! Today is Valentine’s Day, and I get to write about the very special person in Paotie’s life – Paotie’s Valentine! She is quite the person and in fact, everybody who knows her will tell you she’s the nicest person on the planet!

She is my best friend. She listens when I get irritated at turbo-propelled geriatrics who always seem to find a way to magically cut in line in restaurants. She is also sometimes the only person on the planet that I think really understands me, too – especially when I start shooting spit-balls at screaming, snotty kids in restaurants!

I am not kidding you!

Whenever we go out to eat, I let her order for me. In fact, because I order the same things at the same restaurants, I do not ever need to order – ever! All the waitresses/waiters know me as, “The chicken fried steak and french fries deaf dude, who likes to shoot spit-balls at snotty, screaming kids. HaHa!”

I confess that I do not take my Valentine out to eat as much as I probably should, but then again, why would I? Paotie’s Valentine is the world’s best cook in the whole wide world! It is true because she makes the best guacamole, chile rellenoes, pasta, steak, french fries, PB&J sandwiches, and even Lay’s Chips.

*rubs his tummy*

Paotie’s Valentine also has a great sense of humor! She loves to laugh at me! “HA! HA! You are soooo funny with the way you eat!” How rude! So what if I slobber and eat super-fast!? I was told by my parents as a kid that, “there are poor, starving children in China who will steal your food if you don’t eat it now!”

BBQ ribs + Paotie = very messy Paotie!

HaHa!

Plus! We have a game here at home: if I’m home before she arrives after work, I will hide. Playing adult Hide-N-Seek is great fun! She always laughs when I spook her! It is great fun, too! Well, it’s usually fun after about 10 minutes have passed by and she finally stops beating me over the head with a rolled-up newspaper.

Gawrsh!

And, whenever I drive, she is always saying things like, “Honey. Honey. HONEY!?” as we dart through traffic. I am an admitted slow driver and I love to enjoy the scenery as it zips by my truck, but Paotie’s Valentine always has her eyes fixated to either the palms of her hands or the floor of the truck.

Strangely enough, she always seems to find the most inopportune time to tell me, “HONEY!?” after I yell at 95-year-old drivers who magically know how to steer without having to see the road! Seriously, some people should not be driving!

I am not kidding you!

Plus, she knows when I’m listening to her or not. She has this uncanny natural ability to know when I’m “pretending” to listen to her when in fact, I am thinking of the fact that it would be really cool to weld the wooden doors in the backyard shut. She knows because I know she knows when she asks, “HONEY!?!” as I space out.

She also likes to go to the movies but I do not. I mean, I like the smell of popcorn and all that good stuff, but the movies have always been Nap-Time for Paotie. Even if the movie’s subtitled! And when I start snoring loudly I am poked rather rudely and asked, “HONEY!?”

The important thing here is that she understands my sense of humor. When we are eating out at restaurants and asked by waitresses and waiters (i.e. “servers”), “How is everything?” I always make it a point to let ‘em know how much I appreciate the food/service. I say things like, “WOW! This food sucks!”

And then watch the reactions, which tend to go like this:

They say ..

WTF!?!

And then ..

HaHa!

Anyway, of course everybody laughs after Paotie’s Valentine explains that the food, “doesn’t really suck – he’s just messin’ with ya,” and all is well. Naturally, nobody talks to me after that, either – and instead, talk to her!

Audists!

I’m just messin’ with all ya’ll! Can ya dig it?

Paotie’s Valentine knows my heart and believes in it, too. And she understands me – understands what motivates me.

*strums an imaginary guitar*

While she lays sleeping, I stay out late at night and play my songs
And sometimes all the nights can be so long
And its good when I finally make it home, all alone
While she lays dreaming, I try to get undressed without the light
And quietly she says, “How was your night?”
And I come to her and say, “It was all right”, and I hold her tight

And she believes in me, I’ll never know just what she sees in me
I told her someday if she was my girl, I could change the world
With my little songs, I was wrong
But she has faith in me, and so I go on trying faithfully
And who knows maybe on some special night, if my song is right
I will find a way, find a way ..

Anyway, the best thing about tonight is that I will be with my Valentine. We will make sweet, passionate music with gadzillions of candles lit directly under a smoke-detector at the hotel we’re staying at tonight. We will also laugh and pretend to get merrily drunk after drinking virgin margaritas.

And then I’m gonna get lucky!

HaHa!

Anyway, the best thing about my girl isn’t any of the superlatives I’ve used to describe her. It’s really simple, actually.

She loves me.

I LOVE MY VALENTINE!

Happy Valentine’s Day, everybody! Have fun!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

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