Denver – Good morning, everybody! As we all know, Deaf education is by far and away one of the most controversial issues on the Deaf Planet. Some people demand ASL-only educational approaches disguised as “bi/bi” educational methods. Other people blatantly demand ASL-only for all people who do not utilize sounds. And of course, some people have orgasms of stupidity regarding oralism itself, too – but I have the solution! I have the answer to all of Deaf education’s woes!

Marijuana Growing 101!

I am not kidding you!

Vocational rehabilitation counselors and parents of deaf/hard of hearing (HOH) children across America – lend me your ears and eyes for a moment! Do not send your client/child with un-functioning cochlears/ears to Gallaudet University! Forget Harvard, too!

Send your inquiring minds to Oaksterdam University in Oakland, California! There, your kiddo will learn the fine art of cultivating and growing marijuana, as well as learn the fine art of Marijuana Management 101. Yes! Yes!! For as little as $200 (not including textbooks), a student can become an expert and profitable marijuana grower for the mushrooming medical marijuana industry – which is legal in California and Colorado, among other states.

Best of all, the school teaches people how to get jobs!

According an Associated Press story, the “… basic idea is to try to professionalize the [marijuana cultivating and growing] industry and have it taken seriously as a real industry, just like beer and distilling hard alcohol,” said Richard Lee, 45, an activist and pot-dispensary owner who founded the school in a downtown storefront last fall.

Students take classes such as Management 420 – in which students learn that entry-level workers are paid a little more than minimum wage, while “bud tenders,” can make over $50,000 a year, and owners and top managers more than $100,000, Oaksterdam U. owner Lee said.

A student, Jeff Sanders, 52, added that he has been buying medical marijuana since 2003, but wants to open a dispensary in the San Joaquin Valley because he doesn’t like having to drive up to San Francisco and paying the markup.

“I see it as a good thing. You are giving back to the community,” Sanders said.

And given that Deaf education in general tends to do nothing but produce more “Deaf education experts,” Oaksterdam University is a perfect fit for the deaf community itself! Learn to be proficient and wealthy farmers/cultivators! Learn how to ease people’s sufferings with various types of marijuana plants!

Forget Gallaudet! Forget Harvard!

Oaksterdam University rules!

And the best thing about it is that it is all perfectly legal, too!

So, send your kids/clients to Oakland and have them learn to grow/cultivate marijuana so that all ya’ll “Deaf education experts” can get together during “rallies” against organizations and people alike, and share brownies! YES! YES!!

HaHa!

Anyway, I have to rush off now – I want to buy the latest edition of High Times magazine. I hope you have a terrific day (and not week, you sexy Italians!) today!

Good times! Good vibrations! Higher education – I love it!

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver – Good morning, everybody! I hope you had a great and safe weekend! I had a pimpin’ and bitchin’ weekend, all ya’ll! I saw some phat women at the mall over the weekend, too! I was chillin’ with my female homies at the mall when we cruised on over to where some cool chicks were hangin’ out. Like, fo’realz, all ya’ll! And then this sexy grrl walked past us, and in my usual, suave and slick stylin’, I said these peanut-butter-sucking and irresistible words:

WOW! What a babe!

HaHa!

I’m just messing with all ya’ll, can you dig it? Ya know what I’m sayin’?

Anyway, I came across a couple blogs over the weekend that caught my eye – and two inspired me in particular for today’s article. One hard of hearing (HOH) blogger talked about how she was shocked to learn that a popular song her kids were listening to contained the word, “phuck” as in, “What the phuck!?!”

And other phrases like that, too!

Meanwhile! An Eitoap Press investigator is now investigating the investigative and inquisitively informative inquiry into the impending demise of an original “bad word!” Al Sharpton has been scheduled to preside over the “f-word’s” funeral sometime next week. Stay tuned as reports are streaming in that the original “f-word” is still being ubiquitously used in utilization with great understanding in China!

The second blogger – the Bionic Woman (“bwwww” special sound and slow-motion effects are now playing) – wrote about how music is important to her. Music seems to be a common and important element of many families across America. Even for people who do not utilize sound for whatever reasons!

WOW! What a concept! Deaf/HOH people like music!

I mean, I’m deaf – music has always been an afterthought for me. I do like lyrics though, and I especially am fascinated with rapping contests. The rappers have to make words and stuff up that rhymes and sounds good. Well, I don’t care how it sounds, but the word play is always great to see when they have Dueling Rapper Thingamigjigs.

But, I do confess to a love for going to rock concerts! It gets LOUD! People are rowdy! Beer flies everywhere! Chicks get wet and dirty! The music throbs and pulsates people’s bodies! Close contact with private parts gets some men fully aroused, which causes a popular concert curricular-activity: mosh pits!

I admit that I rarely partook in mosh pits myself. The first time I tried the mosh pit, I decided to fake the dude charging at me and sided-stepped him. And then he fell flat on his face! Like, “WHOMP! There he goes – right on his face! HaHa!” Everybody laughed! And then people got pissed! And then people started moshing me like a scene straight from the movie, A Night At the Roxbury!

I am not kidding you!

And then one time at a KISS concert not long ago – after enduring tortuous minutes of witnessing geriatric men with 3-foot-long-tongues flicking women crazily horny – I caught a glimpse of a drunk dude in front of us shout, “TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF BRA! BRA! TAKE IT OFF!”

I promptly took my hat off.

And then I wondered who he was talking to. And then I wondered if he meant, “BRA” as in “BRO” or if he had meant, “BRA” as in “breast cuppers.”

So, I looked around and discovered a hot and small, 20ish white and heavily tanned and scantily-clad blonde woman climb aboard a very large, Hispanic, masculine and heavily muscular and short .. woman! And the Ahnuldwoman also had 4 pounds of make up primed on her face, too!

Gawrsh!

And of course the hot, blonde chick did not take off her bra! Too bad security was watching her.

Crud.

Anyway, I wish I could’ve been a rapper. So, I thought I’d give it a crack here before I let all ya’ll go and have a great and terrific week. Where ever you are today, crank up that radio’s volume LOUD and feel the good vibrations. If you’re deaf/HOH, crank up that noise louder and get to feelin’ the beats of the good vibes.

Let’s get to rappin’!

*pumps his palms skyward repeatedly*

Yo!

This old man, he played one
He played knick-knack on my thumb
With a knick-knack paddywhack,
Give your dog a bone
This old man came rolling home

This old man, he played two
He played knick-knack on my shoe
With a knick-knack paddywhack,
Give your dog a bone
This old man came rolling home

This old man, he played three
He played knick-knack on my knee
With a knick-knack paddywhack,
Give your dog a bone
This old man came rolling home

wORd!

*moonwalks across your screen*

HaHa!

Okay .. it wasn’t a rappin’ song – but it’s a good rhyme! Have a great week!

And remember, when in doubt:

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

Denver – Hello, everybody! I hope you’re having a great week! Today’s article is about the fallaciously felonious and feral French fries I had last night! I picked up a take-out dinner that included lots of French fries, chili beans and cheese and also watched a documentary! Flatulently rife with federally-funded flea markets in Peru, I saw a National Geographic Channel special about .. dung beetles!

HaHa!

I’m just messin’ with all ya’ll! Can ya’ll dig it, ya’know what I’m sayin’?

I’m sorry I haven’t posted an article for nearly a week. I didn’t realize it had been that long! Life sometimes gets in the way of my blogging – but I avow to not wait so long in between future postings!

Today’s article has been inspired for you by Ben Vess! Mr. Vess is a great writer and thinker unto his own right and I commend him for launching his Bucket of Crabs web site. And to show support for his calls for the Deaf blogosphere to expand beyond constant Deafgasms about flies that land in people’s Deaf soup, I dedicate today’s article to Mr. Vess and the writers at Bucket of Crabs!

I spent a lot of time last week commuting on Interstate 25 (I-25) between Denver and Colorado Springs, and the road itself is a nightmare on the best of days. Amazingly enough – and unlike in New Mexico – Colorado has large, green signs that encourage people to report “aggressive or drunk drivers.” Included in the snitch-like subliminal messages is an 800 toll-free number for people to call whenever someone pisses them off!

On I-25, everybody thinks they’re driving in Europe! I swear to naughty, hot and sexy goddesses that this is true! People drive on the wrong side of the road! People think the slow lane on I-25 is on the left lane! WRONG!

It’s on the shoulder of the road!

As if that ain’t bad enough, within a few miles outside of Denver – heading south on I-25 – cars bunch up like NASCAR wannabe-racers! Old ladies driving with their heads barely peeking over the steering wheels are expert lead drafters! Lead drafters are people who go slower than everybody else! And they also love to sing disco songs with flappy dentures as they sing whilst they drive!

“Whether you’re a brother or whether you’re a mother,
You’re stayin alive, stayin’ alive.
Feel the city breakin’ and ev’rybody shakin’
and we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha, Stayin’ Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive!”

But the main gripe I have with I-25 between Denver and Colorado Springs is the fact that the Snitch Signs do not give deaf/hard of hearing (HOH) people any options. I mean, we already know that that as soon as a cellphone rings, millions upon millions of hearing people immediately become The World’s Most Stupid Hearing Idiots Driving On the Wrong Side of the Road!

I am not kidding you!

In fact, one afternoon as I drove to Colorado Springs, there was a giant, blue pick-up truck that had been raised several feet high that drove slowly in front of me – in the left (fast) lane. And it was one of those trucks where super-sized, tractor-like tires had been installed to make the truck look like a Monster truck. It was HUGE! It was MASSIVE! The truck was also a Ford and required a frickin’ elevator to enter the cab!

And the driver looked awfully short, too!

Gawrsh!

Anyway .. so, in front of me was a Short Man with Big Issues on his cellphone; and in the right (slow) lane, was the Old Lady – the lead drafter – who held up traffic behind her for miles. I waited impatiently for the dude in front of me to speed up, or at least get the hell out of my way. In fact, there is a saying that I have that applies only to driving:

Either you lead, or you follow, or you get the hell outta my way!

I drove impatiently behind the dude, inching closer to his bumper in an effort to intimidate him out of my way. He did not speed up at all as he mindlessly continued to orally vomit into his cellphone! And then I noticed the Old Lady had slowed down again, too. Suddenly, there was a 300-mile-long-line-of-cars-behind-me with nothing but open road in front of the Short Man with Big Issues and the Old Lady!

The inhumanity of it all!

So I honked. Nada. I flashed my high beams at him – and again, nothing. I looked into the rear view-mirror and discovered people behind me were angrily flashing gangsta signs in my direction! I shouted my response into the rear-view mirror:

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I’m the pheasant plucker’s mate!
I am only plucking pheasants
‘Cos the pheasant plucker’s running late!

HaHa!

As people behind me continued to act like rappers hyped up on speed, I passed another of the giant green Snitch Signs and I wondered for a moment if it’d be worth dialing the number and at least shouting at whomever answered my call. I mean, I’m deaf – I’m not gonna be able to explain to anyone on the other line that there’s an idiot in front of me who is being audist because golly-goodlums! – a Stupid Hearing Idiot is having cellphone sex on I-25!

Something had to be done!

Through trial and error though, I have determined that the average stupid hearing person answers their cellphones in exactly 27 seconds after immediately recognizing that their cellphone rang – the first time! “Ohh, I see Sara has called! I am important! I will make her wait an extra twenty-six seconds! To remind her that I am most important! HaHa! Take that, Sara!”

So, I dialed the number from the Snitch Sign into my cellphone and waited.

I cleared my throat as I waited for the appropriate moment, and practiced in my mind what I would say. I realized that I would only have so much time to yell a monologue before the call was disconnected, so brevity was of utmost importance. When the timer on my cellphone indicated 27 seconds had elapsed since I first dialed the call, I spoke as loud and as clearly as I possibly could.

“COMO ESTA? EH? TU? NO SE HABLA EN LENGUA VISUAL AMERICANA? NO?! TU ERES MUY MALA!”

And then I realized that the Short Man with Big Issues kept looking into his rearview mirror – as if he were shocked people actually existed behind his truck! And then I also realized that perhaps he was afraid I had snitched on him, so I continued my fictionalized cellphone conversation in hopes of compelling him to speed up and get the hell outta my way.

“Stupido la gente non dovrebbe guidare. Si?” I said into my cellphone – making sure people in cars around me could clearly and plainly see me talking into the cellphone. “No. NO! Ou vous menez ou vous suivez ou vous sortez de mon chemin!”

HaHa!

Eventually, the Short Man with Big Issues sped up and moved to the right lane on I-25. As I caught up to him, he looked at me through dark sunglasses and continued talking on his cellphone. I smiled as I gently steered my truck closer towards his – to the point where my passenger-side mirror nearly touched the driver’s-side elevator on the Short Man with Big Issues’ truck.

He threw me the bird as he quickly grew smaller on my rear-view mirror. I laughed as I put my cellphone down and found clean, clear and open road as I continued my trip back to Colorado Springs.

Well .. you know, I guess the point here is that even though the green Snitch Signs are only for the millions upon millions of stupid hearing people who drive whilst talking on cellphones, we deaf/HOH people can find other ways around these obstacles to justice!

I LOVE PRETENDING TO TALK ON CELLPHONES WHILST I DRIVE!

As for you people who are The World’s Most Stupid Hearing Idiots Driving On the Wrong Side of the Road, and commute daily between Colorado Springs and Denver, try to remember what Paotie says about driving. In fact, I recommend all my deaf/HOH brothers and sisters to repeat after me:

Either you lead, or you follow, or you get the hell outta my way!

HaHa!

I know these things because I am the world’s greatest driver! And I always win those NASCAR-like runs on I-25, too!

All I need .. is my cellphone.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie

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