Denver – New Mexicans finally sighed a breath of relief today as reports began circulating that Governor Bill Richardson was stepping down from the 2008 Presidential election. The Guv, as he’s known, was never a realistic candidate for lots of reasons, but the primary cause of his demise was simply himself.

What the national media might not know is that the Guv ran New Mexico like a little, Americanized version of North Korea. You know why the Guv went to North Korea, don’t you? For those Pekingese dogs that they eat as a delicacy in that stupid little country on the Korean peninsula.

I am not kidding you!

But, New Mexicans knew what was really up. Shortly after the Guv first took office, he required all employees of the Guv’s Royal Court to submit resignation letters so that if they made a remark about his large ass, they would be resigned to hell. And then they’d have to resign from their job, too.

That’s not all, either – the Guv decided that the best way to convert the state’s vehicle fleet (or at least the Guv’s entourage) from gas-guzzling speed demons to “greener” vehicles was to race through downtown Albuquerque in excess of 100 mph in big, black SUVs. Of course this only happened when the Guv’s personal helicopter was too busy ferrying his wife from Santa Fe to Aspen because she is a fan of yukigassen (this is a sport found in Asia that consists mostly of Japanese people obsessing neurotically over the “perfect” snowball, which has a patent pending in the US Patent Office).

As it turns out, the Guv suffered from a bad case of the runs that fateful night in Albuquerque. Too bad COPS wasn’t there to film the entire episode which looked like this:

Albuquerque Police Department (APD) Dispatch: We have a group of expensive SUVs racing through Albuquerque at 112 MPH. Please advise.

APD Helicopter: We are circling now and looking for the lead car. Oh – wait! I see it now!

APD Dispatch: Great. Please shoot the first vehicle off the road.

APD Helicopter: I would but the first SUV has a giant relleno inside and I love rellenoes!

APD Helicopter: Wait! It’s the State police! They are firing a bazooka at us! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

And as the story goes, a large chile relleno shot down a helicopter and then the Guv was able to tell his loyal and royal subjects that, “It was all a misunderstanding,” because he had the runs that night.

Seriously!

Mostly, though, the thing about the Guv that always irked me was the fact that he was simply rude. Even though I’m deaf, I used to go to concerts all the time – mostly to get drunk on virgin margaritas and scope out hot chicks – and I’d see the Guv arrive fashionably late to a chorus of boos cascading from the cheap seats.

Don’t ask how I know. I just know because I’m deaf and deaf people just know these things, okay?

One other reason why I’m happy the Guv ain’t runnin’ no’mo’ is because he’s a bloated and blabbering idiot on national television. Sweating and unable to give good answers to questions, he failed to produce the image of a powerful Hispanic public leader – mostly because he kept saying, “When I was in North Korea, I met this Pekingese dog that was really sexy,” during the national debates.

I don’t know. But, I will tell you something else – I ran across this article, “I Got What America Needs Right Here,” by Jimmy Carter. For once, we get the real scoop on the state of American presidential elections. Besides, all peanut farmers do the same thing, too – they drink peanut butter for breakfast every day, and you won’t be disappointed by Mr. Carter’s assessment.

Trust me – I promise you’ll be surprised. In a good way, too.

Meanwhile, let us all sigh collectively in relief that the next US president won’t be a Hispanic version of one George Wuss Bush. For that, I am grateful that New Mexico is saved the indignity of Bill Richardson, the Guv who would be a king of the United States of America.

But, I hear the North Koreans are looking for a new ambassador …

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie