Denver – The Label Factory has been hard at work lately, churning out yet more confused masses of Deaf people who don’t understand what deficit thinking is, and how it really works. This has resulted in large numbers of hearing people outrageously laughing upon the poor souls who, for one reason or another, cannot understand the concept or picked the wrong people to believe.

What does this mean to the Deaf community? What does it mean to those of us who are now addicted to the supremely hilarious labels and their definitions from the Factory workers – who like to sing “Oompa Loompa” during reruns of Gone with the Wind? It means these labelers are easily offended when people say things like, “The damn dam damned up the gol-damn dam’s dammity dam because the damn ASL caused a damned dam to dam up, thereby damning the damn ASL back to being damned in the first place.”

Gawrsh!

But, in all seriousness aside, we should reflect upon what this means. It means whenever a labeler is offended, they rush inside the factory and call a committee meeting. For about 12 minutes, people are angry and then suddenly, someone signs in ASL – “EUREKA!” – and a new label is born! And because it takes so much effort to create these labels, they then decide to eat in cheesy, run-down restaurants and brainstorm. “What’s a good acronym for a self-help concept? D.E.A.D.? Nah – it’s too close to Deaf. D.I.E.? Now that’s something positive!”

Witness the miracle of a label being created!

Then, little by little, the labelers pass along the new label and its definition to other labelers. It’s the best way to make sure information is accurate at all points of communication, you know? Ever see what happens when you get 20 people together into a circle and then – beginning with one person – a secret is repeatedly whispered to the person to the left of them and the process is repeated until the circle is complete? That’s what happens at the assembly line of the Label Factory.

Person One: “Pssst! Did you hear about Paotie? His name is related to ‘peyote.’”

Person Two: “Psst! Did you hear about the peyote? That is Paotie’s drug.”

Person Three: “Psst! Did you hear about the drug Paotie is taking? It’s strong!”

Person Seven: “Psst! Did you hear about Paotie’s p-o-t? It’s supposed to blow your mind!”

Person Twelve: “Psst! Did you hear about Paotie’s blow? It’s supposed to blow your mind!”

Person Fifteen: “Psst! Did you hear about the storm that blew Paotie’s shed over? Yah – it happened.”

Person Twenty: “Paotie is God.”

Bill Gates is now investigating this new and powerful tool of label making. Software that makes labels – especially on Word – tends to be somewhat cumbersome if people don’t quite understand how to use the interface. Mr. Gates will be studying the return of investment (ROI) of the Label Factory in hopes of further taking over the world without having to deal with those damn ASL-driven iMacs.

Researchers from Harvard are not sure if there is a chemical leak at the Factory that is causing serious thinking deficits, but there is a surprising twist to this fascinating story – it has been widely assumed that a deodorant brand-name, “Damn ASL,” may be emitting noxious fumes, thereby unintentionally making the label factory workers have massive booger farts. And all at once, too!

I am not making this up!

And by the way, the answer to why a community might be divided has been discovered! Crystal-clear rules without any ambiguity is what divides people! Semantics take precedence over all else – except labels – and causes people to uncontrollably replicate themselves in half, thereby springing new half-bodies that look like zombies living in booger fart heaven. That is why the community is divided!

I am not kidding you!

Also, economists are predicting that 2008 will be another good year for the Label Factory because people are increasingly shooting themselves up with a drug called, “Blameu,” and one intended side effect is the fact that “Blameu” causes people to suffer from oralititus, in which some Deaf people cannot control themselves around non-Deaf people. Blameu has also been blamed for a recent rise in mail-order brides, though researchers are not yet sure what the link – if any – might connect Blameu and oralititus.

So, the next time you see a label from the Label Factory, try to remember that it is a genuine, bone-a-fide-a label that promotes Blameu and oralititus. Also – it ain’t legitimate until the Factory workers begin singing:

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I’ve got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me

There you have it! All the answers you’ll ever need to know about labels and the people behind them! And any time you can, pay a visit to the Label Factory because you might learn something – seriously.

Just don’t forget your Golden Ticket – you’re not allowed into the Label Factory unless by specific appointment.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie