Denver – Christmas is finally over, and this means for most of you that the endless hours of shopping riots are over. And it also means that the in-laws and other people that you have to tolerate once-a-year are either gone, or will be leaving soon. And the best part is the fact that the real partying can begin on New Year’s Eve.

So, what better way to ring in the New Year by doing something you’ve never done before? I don’t mean playing tonsil hockey with drunken strangers halfway through the 10-second countdown to 2008, either. I mean, something you’ve never even thought about doing.

Before you rush out and lace brownies with ungodly amounts of THC for your mother-in-law to eat (and making her your new BFF) – let me offer you something else. Something even better than that.

Show your friends Deaf Porn!

It rules! It rocks! And best of all, it signs! Or more precisely, the porn stars themselves do the signing and the copulating, which will astound millions of hearing folks. “Uhh .. Betty .. you know how I like it when you talk dirty? Well, now I want you to sign to me dirty.”

This is so because Deaf Porn is educational. I swear it is! It doesn’t tell men, for example, how to get that lucky. The end result of the porn itself is a mocking laugh by porn stars towards Average Joes: my penis swings more to the left than yours, so bah!

But Deaf Porn is far different and better – mostly because Deaf penises are much bigger and swing both ways. And of course, Deaf Porn actresses put the cherry on the pie by exclaiming, “PAH!” at the apex of every scene. New Deaf Porn titles will include, “Debbie Does Pah!”

Deaf Porn will serve as the launchpad of a new resurgence within Deaf culture, in which all aspects of being Deaf are celebrated – including the fine art of love making. And, why not? Deaf people are people, too and they’re as freaky as any other group on the planet. Heck, I would even go out on a limb and say that Deaf people are by and far the freakiest people on the planet – bar none!

The Deaf Porn industry will alone compel millions of hearing people around the world to view Deaf people as insatiable sexual creatures. Deaf men will instantly be equated to living, breathing sex toys. Deaf women will become famous Deaf Porn stars and make megamillions of pesos, driving up the Mexican economy and saving Deaf culture all over the world.

Anyway, I love porn in general because it is so educational. Like, for instance, I didn’t realize until I watched a pornographic video that I could install a mirror on top of the ceiling in my bedroom, which I thought was a fantastic idea! Porn is educational in so many different ways, and by having Deaf Porn, we are promoting Deaf culture at it’s finest and most liberal.

A truly free culture.

The best part about it is the fact that the thousands of hearing college students taking ASL as a foreign language elective requirement will finally have learned something useful: the art of interpreting Deaf videos to impress their hearing friends. Then, there will be entire Fetish For the Deaf communities all over the Internet, in which hearing people sign obscene words in ASL, rather than through traditional/universal means. While fornicating, of course.

On New Year’s Eve, I’m going to take my laptop and show my friends how Deaf Porn Stars roll. And they’re going to stare in shock and utter amazement. And then they’ll remark that Brooke Beckham is hot and everyone will collectively and simultaneously nod heads and hide their hands in their pockets.

And then the inevitable will happen:

“Did you do her?”

I love Deaf Porn.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie