Colorado Springs – This week Thanksgiving arrives, and for many of you, this will be a welcomed short work-week, devoted to stuffing your mouths with turkey, ham, Mom’s famed mashed potatoes, Jim Beam, margaritas, cranberries, and of course, lots of pumpkin pie added for good measure. This also means many of you have to tolerate the in-laws and other people that you (thankfully only) acknowledge once or twice each year.

To make the conversation around your Thanksgiving dinner lighter and more fun for all, you can tell your family and friends about the weird and stupid things people do. Nothing makes for a conversational icebreaker better than asking someone, “Did you hear about the deaf and blind driver in Scotland?”

The best part is that the story’s true. And when you’ve got them eating out of your hand, you can add more of this week’s Morning Madness to stimulate the conversation. Who knows – your mother-in-law might actually think you’re a decent human being.

• In India, a man has married a bitch to atone for his previously grave sins. P. Selvakumar married a sari-draped former stray dog named Selvi – chosen by family members and then bathed and clothed for the ceremony – Sunday at a Hindu temple in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, the Hindustan Times newspaper said.

• Selvakumar, 33, stoned two dogs to death and hung their bodies from a tree 15 years ago. As proof of the fact that he had committed sins against the Humane Society, he lost use in his hands and feet, as well as suffering from deafness in one ear. An astrologer had told Selvakumar marrying a bitch was the only way he could cure his bad luck and medical maladies.

• Apparently, superstituous rural Indians believe that marrying animals can ward off certain curses.

Paotie’s PostScript: Coming soon to a theater near you: a Bollywood production of “Bitches and Sins,” which will be a low-budgeted Indian porn – complete with dancing snakes and garbed copulations. And people like Patrick Swayze found enlightenment there? No wonder his career sucks.

• From Australia, comes a company’s requirement that professional Santas cannot utter an ever-popular insult made famous by American’s Rambling Reverend, Al Sharpton. Westaff, an Australian firm that contracts out to hundreds of Santas for the holiday season, informed Santas that the, “ho ho ho” phrase, “… could frighten children and could even be derogatory to women.”

• One person had this to say about the new policy:

“Ho, ho, ho” is offensive? I could understand if Santas were walking around calling people nappy-headed ‘hos, but Santa’s jolly greeting is more kid lit than gangsta rap.

Paotie’s PostScript: See, here lies the ultimate in political correctness gone too far. Kids don’t know that the woman who regularly chants, “Five dolla suckie suckie! Five dolla suckie suckie!” on the street corner is a cheap whore. Santa yelling, “HA HA HA HA, MERRY CHRISTMAS!” sounds more like the Grinch on meth after receiving discounted services from a prostitute in the parking lot behind Wal-Mart.

• In Wisconsin, mysterious septic fluid has been sprayed all over town. Authorities received reports last week of many spots and clumps found along a flight path for the Outagamie County Regional Airport in nearby Greenville, said police Lt. Mike Krueger.

• “It looks like somebody released the holding tank for their septic [on an airplane] and that fluid was dropped through that section of neighborhood, and it stains,” Krueger said. Said resident Kate McQuillan: “Something definitely got sprayed all over.”

Paotie’s PostScript: So now we know how airlines have been able to keep airfares relatively cheap this year. Fly cheap on Southwest, but please, don’t take a crap over Colorado Springs, okay? The state of Utah is fine, though.

• Parents of crapping tots: you may be able to contribute to creating biodiesel to lower the harmful effects of worldwide pollution. Look no further than the soiled diapers you’ve got stashed under the kitchen sink.

• A company in Quebec, Canada has discovered a way to utilize dirty diapers normally destined for landfills to be transformed into a cost-effective, synthetic diesel fuel. The so-called diaper diesel can be used in just about any industrial application, but probably won’t be suitable for use in an automobile, a company official said.

Paotie’s PostScript: The article discusses some logistics problems, namely those relating to collecting the millions of soiled and smelly diapers. Once that has been resolved, apparently, the next crucial step in turning crapped diapers into biodiesel is ensuring that the materials’ consistency is adequate. Hear that? Feed your kid lots of cheese so that the material output is consistent enough to be converted into fuel. Best thing is the fact we can now raise children to not be anally retentive because Mommy and Daddy will actually want the kid to poop, and poop lots. Might have lots of anally-fixated kids, but who cares? What’s good for the environment must be good for little Tommy, too.

• And finally, our favorite blind and deaf Scotsman is once again stirring up the legal system in Scotland. 83-year-old Maurice Hollyfield landed in court once again – this time to demonstrate that he is fit to drive. Earlier this month, I reported on Deaf Follies that Hollyfield had been caught speeding in excess of 80 MPH on a small country road. His excuse at the time had been that he was too busy listening to his radio – already blaring too loud because of his deafness – and confused the RPM meter with the MPH gauge.

• Sheriff Lindsay Foulis reported that he planned to ban Hollyfield from driving again after he admitted to towing a trailer at 88mph in a 50mph limit. In court, the sheriff said that in light of the pensioner’s age and medical problems, he was considering stopping Hollyfield from ever getting his licence back.

• A letter from a doctor to the court reads:

“[Hollyfield] suffers from blindness on the left side, where he has a false eye. But he wears glasses and can see normally in his right eye. He informed me he was in his own little world listening to loud music because of his deafness.”

Paotie’s PostScript: Well, as one king said in a movie, “The trouble with Scotland is that it’s full of Scots.” Somebody give Hollyfield a damn golf cart. Scotland is the birthplace of golf, after all, so why don’t they just pitch in and buy Hollyfield a nice, souped-up golf cart?

So, this week, watch out for ‘hos, and be sure to marry a bitch if you’ve been a bad boy. And if you’re flying over Utah, head to the lavatories, please. Most of all, never let a disability keep you down, as our inspirational deaf and blind Scottish speedster has demonstrated.

Have a great week of Thanksgiving.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie