Colorado Springs – I saw a murder yesterday and didn’t even realize it. I had been tinkering with my truck outside when I saw a group of black figures circling down the street from me. The visual noise in my brain gave me a series of squawks emanating from the group itself, and I flippantly waved them off with a greased hand.

Of course I didn’t call the police. If I had known it was a murder, then I would’ve reported it immediately, but it wasn’t a murder, really. It was just a murder of crows that I saw. The term itself isn’t so much a scientific description as it is a literary description, so you won’t see nerds standing in fields with binoculars stating to one another, “Ahh .. yes, I see the murder. Quite a nice murder, too. Healthy, strong numbers in the murder. And they made that stupid TV show, Murder, She Wrote, too. Oh look! I see another murder coming in from the south!”

Anyway, bad jokes aside, let’s get you started on a good week this Monday morning. So, where ever you are at work, you can give out odd facts and weird bits of news to keep the day moving along steadily. And if boredom strikes you, head for the nearest exit or window and try to find a murder if you can. If someone asks what you’re doing, just say, “I’m thinking about a murder.”

Or maybe you shouldn’t.

Anyway, this week’s Monday Morning Weirdness:

In Japan, groping is a national problem, so much so that Japanese women are flashing on their cell phones a popular program designed to ward off wandering hands in Japan’s congested commuter trains. “Anti-Groping Appli” by games developer Takahashi was released in late 2005 but has only recently climbed up popularity rankings, reaching No. 7 in this week’s top-10 cell phone applications list compiled by Web-based publisher Spicy Soft Corp.

The application flashes increasingly threatening messages in bold print on the phone’s screen to show to the offender: “Excuse me, did you just grope me?” “Groping is a crime,” and finally, “Shall we head to the police?” Users press an “Anger” icon in the program to progress to the next threat. A warning chime accompanies the messages.

• Paotie’s PostScript: Bukkake ain’t no Sara Lee product, okay? The Japanese are simply weird.

At a BBQ in Tennessee, a man demonstrated the ultimate gluttony of hamburgers when he shoved 103 hamburgers down his throat in 8 minutes. No, it wasn’t your rude brother-in-law, who only appears when free food is served (a bit like me), that was in a hurry to get to the next all-you-can-eat BBQ at another relative’s house; it was Joey Chestnut, 23, who won the $10,000 Krystal Hamburger Eating Championship earlier this weekend. Each of the hamburgers were 2.5 inches square.

• Paotie’s PostScript: An amazing feat unto itself. I can’t and won’t speculate about the aftermath of all that gluttony (what goes in must come out), but the curious thing about Chestnut is that he was “sidelined” from competitive engorging because of lingering jaw pain after having a wisdom tooth extracted in June. Good to see people come off the disabled list and perform their “A-games,”; that’s a lot of hamburgers, man – 103. I think I’ll skip Wendy’s for a while.

Producers of television soap operas and Spanish novellas would do well to listen to Englishwoman Elaine Morgan, who has a novel idea to explain her nakedness at the home of another man (read: not her husband). Mrs. Morgan apparently was visiting the home of Stephen Clarke and become quite worried about soiling her dress at Mr. Clarke’s abode, and innocently changed into nothing but a towel. Her husband, Anthony – 70 and quite the famous pub owner in town – walked in and discovered his wife frolicking around semi-nude.

Mr. Morgan then proceeded to bash the heads of both his wife and Mr. Clarke with a cricket stick and broke her nose. The couple who have been together for 21 years, have no hopes for reconciliation. Still, Mr. Morgan, who pleaded guilty to aggravated burglary and had his sentence of 9-months in jail suspended for a year, was commended by the judge who said:

“You clearly run a good pub. Everyone says so.”

• Paotie’s PostScript: Is this a sign of the times: a “Jerry Springer” for geriatrics?

A man in Cedar Rapids, Iowa was arrested after a government agent allegedly found him in an office building restroom lying next to an inflatable, anatomically correct doll with his pants down. Craig S. McCullough, 47, was charged Wednesday with indecent exposure, a misdemeanor.

McCullough’s criminal record includes a 2004 conviction for burglarizing Just For Me bridal boutique. Shortly after the burglary, police officers found McCullough in a nearby alley, carrying a mannequin while wearing a bridal dress. The criminal complaint against McCullough says he was discovered in the public restroom by an agent for the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency, which is one of the federal agencies that rents space in the Hach office building where McCullough was found.

• Paotie’s PostScript: Uhhh .. you know, those rules against inter-office dating are there for a reason, right? Certainly, this was not a victimless crime after all – think about the embarrassment the doll (and all other dolls across the country) has to endure now! The inhumanity of it all ..

In Naples, Florida, a mother of a 13-year-old literally and figuratively found a way to prevent her daughter from having sex: she had her daughter’s genitalia pierced to make it uncomfortable for her to have sex. The 39-year-old mother, whose name is being withheld to protect her daughter’s identity, could have faced up to 30 years in prison if convicted of aggravated child abuse charges.

The girl, now 16, had testified that her mother asked a friend in 2004 to shave the girl’s head to make her unattractive to boys and later held her down for the piercing. A jury deliberated for about three hours before deciding the mother’s actions didn’t involve punishment or malicious intent, or cause permanent damage or disfigurement and acquitted the mother.

• Paotie’s PostScript: Some parents are stupid. What’s next? Nipple-piercings with iron bars running horizontally from bewbie to bewbie to keep the boys “off-limits?” What about lesbians, man – they have rights, too!

So, there you have it – a bit of the weird and stupid thrown in together.

Whether you’re a brother
Or whether you’re a mother,
You’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Feel the city breakin’
And ev’rybody shakin’
And we’re stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin’ alive.
Stayin’ alive.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin’ aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive.

*does the disco dance*

Sorry for digressing. I hope you have a fantastic week and the days at work pass by quickly for all of us. And watch out for them murder of crows – you never know what they’re really up to.

Be good .. or be good at it.

Paotie